Some deep pondering and insight on who I am

I lead a half-life, bittersweet. I'm always happy, yet sad. People only ever see the happy, there's no reason to let them see the sad, it doesn't concern them. Because of this, I've gained the reputation of someone who is carefree, smiling always, never letting anything get me down. Its certainly not true. I live a bittersweet life for reasons I won't divulge. My life is my own, and that is why I am happy, but my life is also beyond my control. I live my life, going with the flow, going to college, studying something that I enjoy. I follow that flow, because to do otherwise would earn me a stigmata of someone who doesn't live. If it were up to me, I'd sit in a library, read all day.

My life is a bittersweet life because the very thing that makes me the happiest, also saddens me. All other things are superficial, compared to this. The most important thing in my life is the happiest thing, and the saddest thing. It makes me smile, makes me cry. Its who I am and I could not imagine anything else. Some days I truly am the carefree guy, happiest in the world, not a worry, because of that most important thing, it makes me so happy then. On other days, I lay there thinking of nothing, wanting nothing, not to eat or do anything, but just to sleep. Even on those days though, nobody knows. I have that front, that image of me, that I carefully maintain for those around me.

On those days on which I simply lie in my bed, with the world passing me bye, I sit there and think of my life, what has happened. Once, while talking with some friends, we were asking each other random questions, and one person asked me if I ever was suicidal. The answer is indubitably no. The problem is, the question isn't a good question. For me, the question is different. If I were to die tomorrow, I would die happily, for I know I've lead a good life, made many people happy, done a good job at what I do. Death no longer scares me, no longer worries me, no longer holds me as it does most people. As someone once said, death is but the next great adventure.

My life is so bittersweet, the very thing that makes me happy saddens me. It is my secret, it is my life, it is mine and my own. I wouldn't trade that thing, oh so important to me, I wouldn't trade it for all the money in the world. Nobody knows what it is aside from me, and I shall take it to my grave and beyond, it is with me always, and I will never let it go.

Because of this, I can be happy one moment, sad the next. My life is made up of short segments of time, flipping from one state to the next, never ceasing. Something that makes me smile one moment may, five minutes later, make my eyes water as I think. It is who I am, I cannot imagine anything else.

—————————-

It is spring outside, it has grown warm. People are sunbathing here in New York, a thing that makes me stare. I stare because in Texas, sunbathing is unheard of, its simply too hot. You get sunburned so easily, and you avoid the sun at all costs during the summer.

Here in New York however, I can glance out the windows and see many people sunbathing, playing Frisbee, and other outdoor sports. Here, its warm, but not too warm. You can be outside, and enjoy yourself, as opposed to Texas, in which you are either in the pool, or inside.

In a few weeks, I move back to Texas, once again truly a Desert Fox. It will be strange to be home again.

—————————-

I left for the week. I said I would only be popping in maybe once a day, because this week is a busy week. I said I'd be unable to accept games for this week, because of classwork, and the ever-drawing-near finals. Yet, since I said this, no games were accepted, the queue has enlarged itself. It seems without me, the world draws to a halt, catastrophes befall the innocent populace.

I'll be able to accept some games later.

—————————-

It seems I have a fan club - an interesting thing. People want to get on my good side, want to be my best friend. I think many people don't realize that I'm still me, the same guy I was before. I simply have more responsability. I'm still me, down-to-earth, fun loving guy. No need to be cautious around me, nor act as if I had the power of life or death.

People are copying/editing/etc my avatar. Oh noes. The avatar craze again! Wryyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!