… but I've got nerves of steel.

Many of you who frequent the IRC may know (thanks to my verbal thinking) that I have begun learning Unity, and making 3D games. As a result, I have started learning to 3D model in Blender. I may have hated Blender in the past, but now I am in love with it… That is, Blender 2.5.2 Alpha. I can't stomach the current stable release, which is what all of the tutorials are written for, so I've been pretty much learning it all on my own. It's progressing quite well, actually. Currently about 25% done with my first character model. Once I finish modeling and texturing/mapping this model, I'm gonna learn bones. I don't expect it to be too hard, and animations should be a snap. Probably do those in Unity though, as I've already played with the Unity animation editor.

Another thing those of you who frequent the IRC may know, is that 2 days ago I watched Avatar. It made me very angry. You won't like me when I'm angry, so I shall refrain from including a multi-page rant about it in this blog. Suffice it to say, it was horrible.

On the other hand, last night I watched Evil Dead II. That movie was so much fun. I would sooner be forced to watch Evil Dead II 24/7 for the rest of my life than be forced to watch Avatar once more. God it was awful. My favorite scene in Evil Dead II has to be where Ash is in the kitchen while his possessed hand tries to kill him. It manages to knock him unconscious, then drags him across the floor while reaching for a meat cleaver before Ash wakes up, pins it down with a knife, and cuts it off with a chainsaw while maniacally yelling "WHO'S LAUGHING NOW?" The scene was crazy, awesome, and hilarious. All at the same time. I enjoyed it thoroughly.

Oh yeah, and I'm moving to Washington state in 5 days. I haven't even started to get ready, yet I can't help but procrastinate, and I'm starting to get really anxious. I do look forward to leaving this hell-hole though, even though I'm just going to another hell-hole. I like variety in my hell-holes. I am hoping to find employment and save up some money so that I can get a new computer, and fly back East. Ideally with plenty left over. Dunno how I'm going to find a job in that little town. I guess I'll figure that out when the time comes. Of course, that's what I told myself before I came up here. Damn.

Speaking of employment, I don't have it. I never can motivate myself to find it, and when it is just given to me, I am absolutely miserable and do a piss-poor job at it. I can think of many theories about why this is, and all of them fit. I'm not sure if this shows depth of the issue, or demonstrates my ability to create logical theories that do a good job of fitting circumstances. One theory that fit quite well was one I brought up in my last blog, my refusal to work for an intangible goal. I used the example of building a table. This is quite literal, as I have built a table when I required one. However, green pieces of paper is not something I can readily use. Lesser so, imaginary currency in a bank account. Couldn't even wipe my ass with that, what good is it to me? I understand that money = stuff at a high level, but somewhere in my brain is a part that processes and grasps the concept of goals and consequences to actions, and it has a loose wire. Combined with my resistance to pressure and lack of self-control, I find things like employment and education to be very difficult.

This theory covers my inability to attain employment, but what about my complete misery when I finally do manage to do work? Can an experience be made more tolerable when your subconscious fully understands the rewards for doing the work? If so, I can see how it ties in, but I am honestly unsure. If I really did understand the benefits of working, would I find the work far more tolerable? I've seen the faces of others working; I am quite confident that they do not suffer as I do. Perhaps I am just weak. I do not know.

Back in tenth grade, before I dropped out the first time, my counselor recommended a psychological evaluation. I went through this, and they concluded that I had depression. More specifically, dysthymia (along with a depressingly slightly-above-average IQ). One of the symptoms of dysthymia is lack of motivation. At first I went along with that, but after a year of therapy and two months of antidepressants, I am confident that it is not so. My depression is acute, and comes with doing these things that I hate so much, it doesn't prevent me from doing them. That's right, I find a productive lifestyle significantly less fulfilling than a lazy and wasted lifestyle. I've never understood workaholics and the like. The only productive activities that I truly enjoy are those of a creative nature: programming, making games, etc. All other productive activities cause me nothing but grief.

You may have noticed in the above paragraph that I mentioned having dropped out a first time. This is true. I dropped out from my school in Massachusetts halfway through my Junior year, then moved up here to Alaska. I reentered school the following year as a Senior. While I knew many of the people up here from my childhood, I quickly discovered that I had absolutely nothing in common with any of them. As such, I found myself unable to connect with anybody and friendless, with nobody so much as trying to meet me. They all had their preconceptions of me from the past, which was not me in the present. Regardless, I gradually started to slide back into my old ways. These social issues combined with my continued inability to do any schoolwork at all, made the entire experience nothing but absolute suffering with no redeeming value whatsoever. I started to become extremely depressed, near-suicidal. Finally, I just stopped going to school. Never officially dropped out, nor returned my schoolbooks, simply vanished. Nobody seemed to care.

About a month later, I began the process of getting my GED. Getting a GED turned out to be an extremely bureaucratic and painful process. There are three steps involved. The first is taking five 20-minute tests to see if you qualify for the pretests. Then you have to take the five 40-minute pretests in order to qualify for the proper tests. Then you have to take the five 80-minute main tests. Yes, 11 hours and 40 minutes of testing. I finished half of the first step the first day, then realized just how much there was, and suddenly found myself unmotivated, and never returned. I'm starting to see a trend here.

Did I mention I quit the first official job I ever had after a single 4-hour shift? That was 1 month after nearly being fired from the first unofficial job I ever had (I tried to quit that one after the first day, but my dad wouldn't allow me.)

So yeah. I doubt you wanted to hear any of that, and I wouldn't blame you if you didn't read it. In the event that you did actually read all of that, I think I shall reward you with oral sex. Enjoy.