It never occurred to me until late last year that I may be mentally ill. I immediately think "If I can acknowledge that I am mentally ill, I must not be mentally ill", but that is not entirely true. Its not true because my self-awareness does not over-shadow the presence of mental illness. I can co-exist with damaged software.

I wake up everyday at about midday to realize that I don't know how I got where I am now. That it escapes me to the point that I have to remember to write down what I am about to say before I say it, or it could be gone in the next moment; as if it never existed.

I should have an endless well of inspiration to work, because I often cannot remember what it means to suffer. So its a renewed experience most days. I can sometimes recall full events, but the little details, like how I even got started or what I was just thinking, are lost to the wind. It's not early on-set dementia though, it might be my depression; I hope its my depression.

Moving on to the point of this. I usually have extremely good ideas for my game, but that is the overall extent that I can remember. That it was an extremely good idea. No details about what it is, or how to even get started. So I never stop typing.

I just type and trust my hands to guide me back to remembering what the idea was. It often works, because I make progress. I know that I make progress, because my mind keeps hold of big things, and not little things. Names, passwords, places, faces; I have little capacity for. Though I am abnormally perceptive when I am "awake".

I often tangent off onto subjects mid-sentence and never return. A conversation with me would be chaotic at best. Unorganized and unlinked.

I have a fiery passion to create, but the anguish keeps me from feeling anything beyond "unmotivated". I cannot truly say that I have ever finished a thing in my life. It isn't because my ability to complete is lacking, its my tendency to forget to finish. I start fresh so often. I have revised code more than I should have, and rewritten it in twenty different ways and often come back to the previous way via subversion.

I cannot say that I know what motivation truly is, but I know that I am working towards something, and that even if I don't remember how it feels to accomplish this meaningless task at hand, I am going to do it and feel proud, because I won't forget to write my name on it.