The following is a satirical article I wrote for English. I got a 100 on it, and everyone loved it (and many said it was the best of all the articles), so I decided to post it here. Yeah.

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There is a major problem in society today. There is an unbelievable amount of crime and violence in the world. There is only one obvious cause: video games are the reason behind this culture of crime amongst the youth. About 90% of juvenile criminals have played video games. This is shocking and undeniable evidence that there is a strong correlation between video games and violence. To make matters worse, 90% of the youth population plays video games. This is a looming disaster. At these high percentages, it’s only a matter of time before the whole of the young generation bursts into a wild rage of violence.

This problem must be dealt with. It is already obvious to many parents that video games are in fact the root cause of every problem their child has. Yet, they do nothing but complain about the problem. The only intelligent solution is to place a global ban on all forms of electronic entertainment; only then can we prevent this looming disaster.

Unfortunately, there are more causes that run even deeper throughout society. Nearly all criminals have watched a television at some point in their lives. They have all listened to music as well. The only obvious solution is to ban all entertainment, the obvious cause of every crime.

Crime prevention is one thing, but steps must also be taken to ban the tools criminals use. Guns are known to be used by criminals, and therefore they must be banned. It doesn’t matter what other purposes this tool might provide, if it gives criminals the ability to commit a crime, it must go. Knives are another big problem, and any form of a cutting tool should be banned.

Sports must be abolished. These violent games encourage competition. Rivalries exist between different teams. Why can the Eagles and the Giants not celebrate the diversity of their teams, and what they bring to society? Instead, they knock each other over in a trivial fight over a piece of leather. This disgusting tradition exists in all other sports as well, and therefore, they must be banned. Not only sports, but any game or competition in general, because they fail to celebrate the diversity of other player’s goals.

These suggestions for a better society are not too much to ask. Today, we live in a world of violence and hatred. Some small sacrifices must be made to ensure that we are safe. Unfortunately, much of society is not willing to suffer the tiny sacrifice to make a safer, peaceful society. We can only hope the day will come soon when these violent objects are all banned, and we can live in a diverse, tolerant, peaceful, and diverse society.

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Damn you, auto removal of white space!!! I'd like to be able to have indentations >:(