So far, the welcome has been really warm, so thank you, guys. When I came on the IRC as cfry people kept asking me "Hey, who are you on 64Digits?" "Wow, you're before my time." "Welcome back." It feels good to be welcomed and appreciated, so thank you, 64Digits community, you gave me a very warm and personal experience and I won't forget it.

I must've joined in 2008, because the very first post I made here seems to not understand what the point of blogging is? I'm kinda laughing a bit. I made a grand total of five posts, two of them being about "things happening," and dropped off the face of the earth for six years. I had five topics to blog about and then poof.

So… the computer engineer thing. It didn't happen. I maintained a near 3.8 GPA in university before the scholarship was yanked from me, and part of it was my fault for not doing the "paperwork," and part of it was my parents offering to do it for me while I take exams and then never doing it. I slaved away in a Texan and then Pennsylvanian Wal-mart for years, miserably, as in too depressed to expand my skill set or make any progress for myself whatsoever, and then tried and failed to work as an IT desktop technician without even having a certification.

The letdown that you need to expect, should you ever be coping with depression to the point of considering that option that we don't talk about, is that once you reach the top, you are living in a world that is the aftermath of that fight. It isn't sunshine when you finally fight it off. Sometimes, it leaves you as an unemployed, unskilled individual. There's fortunately the other side to the coin, that you are also finally free of the vice that held you back.

The big tools that pulled me through depression are ones I can pass to other people who may encounter this post, and I'll be sure to add this to my tumblr, as well.

1. "You Only Have to Win Once"

For me, job hunting even while having a miserable job is discouraging. I am against a scarier prospect, currently. I have no job, right now, and two industries probably think I'm not worth hiring for either being a deserter of the retail environment or incompetent for the IT industry. Thankfully logic doesn't apply. You just keep pulling the lever to give you survival money ™ and you only have to win once. Today I walked into the pizza place for a job. I have no idea, heck I sincerely doubt they will hire me, but I only have to get the job to feel more secure, and thus be more able to keep winning against depression and approach a better more livable situation.

2. If changing how you feel is too hard, try changing how you think.

We're all logical people to some degree (some more than others). And this doesn't always work, since emotion can be detached from logic, but if you can will yourself to it, you can neutralize yourself with an alternative perspective. The advice is saying look on the bright side, but this isn't about making you happy, it's about finding a way to pull yourself away from the black vortex of negative dark and self-harming thoughts and rationalize away some of the self-abuse and defeatism. Like yeah, defeatism can feel like a "realist" way of thinking, but if you don't apply the off button at a very soon point, you can lose control. I've been there.

3. Loading… Please Wait.

Kinda campy since this is a video game development site, but the main thing you gotta do with depression, whether it's clinical or, in my case, severely situational, is that it's the moments that your mind is vulnerable and needs the highest care. So much of the worst possible things can happen if you act while in this state. If you want to set up a blog or express yourself through art, that's one thing, but don't do what you think suffices as a punishment or an end or an escape. Once you look at that, it's the brick wall where you start giving yourself ultimatums while ignoring other information that would give you a third option. Even the worst of situations has another route. It's life, where anyone can do anything, even find a way out of this that preserves you. If you are at this moment, don't try to apply #2 or #1, don't try to go forward with a decision, don't decide. Don't do anything except what would be considered self-care. Stop time and let the feelings be awful and run their course. Make snacks if you need them. Brush your teeth if you're pointing it out in your head. Just don't make any sudden moves. It's not time to make decisions, right now. It's time to take care of you. … They stop after a while, and you'll be able to find a better way.

There's a lot that I can write about to people, but if there was one thing I want to say, it's that taking care of yourself, giving yourself enough time, and thinking in more than one way when you can will help you. There are more tools and I can't name them all, only the ones that worked for me, as every case is unique. Be in good company and good friends, and believe in yourself, once in a while. It's going to be okay, with time and slow steps.

The aftermath I am facing is not easy but I can accept that I'm beginning again. It all feels a lot different. I have new friends in a new city and it's all just really different. I overcame something really huge after feeling like I lost my future. But I can build another one. I could start again and try to be a computer engineer, I could start web design, I could start SEO, I could get licensed and become tech support… I could even become what I wanted to be before all of this – a game developer. That'd be cool. Maybe that's the one, huh?