Dear Navy,

After making me march a mile on icy sidewalks in 20 degree weather without gloves for "uniformity", and then making me sit around with nothing to do for 45 minutes but wait to take the 5 minute anonymous survey that all this is for, do you really expect me to take the survey seriously? Check all that apply? I'll just check all then…

forced to blah blah oral sex, check!

blah blah penetration with foreign object, check!

When I first got to this base they warned us to be alert due to the supposed high number of incidences of sexual assault, and now I get it. The number of sexual assaults is high because we're the ones giving them the data.

JK, I answered the stupid survey truthfully. But I did give them a cute suggestion at the end… something about how on-base prostitutes would reduce the number of sexual assaults. Just sayin'…