Emoblog warning

I have come a long way in the last 2 years. I used to be a bit of a train wreck, failing at my courses, shy, afraid that people were judging me all the time, so I would just hide in the corner telling myself that they didn't want to talk to me and I didn't want to talk to them.

But now I am fairly confident about my physical appearance, I found 3d modelling which I really enjoy, (yet for some reason still procrastinate from) I go out to pubs clubs and parties fairly often, make a point of introducing myself to people, smiles, eye contact, dancing about, talking to/kissing girls, having a good time and generally being more human. I even started trying to help out one of my closest friends who was also always shy with low self esteem. Managed to get him to come out to a few parties and talk to people.

I feel like I should be over the moon with the way my life is at the moment, and I tell people I am, but for some reason I don't really feel much happier.

I think a lot about my own mind. I am constantly trying to understand what makes myself tick. I have been thinking about all of my current problems, thoughts and feelings, and I have managed to find one root cause for pretty much all the big things I am not happy about in my life. The common denominator.

I just don't care.

Like, about anything.

It is the reason I can't focus on my work, the reason I can't enjoy my hobbies, of motivate myself to work on projects. It is one of the main reasons my last relationship failed, and the reason I back away from any future ones as soon as things get interesting. I don't keep up with my best friends who have moved to universities, I make new acquaintances, mingle well at parties, but then I don't keep in touch with the people I met at them at all. I suck at conversation beyond small talk (which I hate) because I don't care about what either myself or the other party has to say. It has even caused me to not really enjoy video games anymore.

And yes, I put off my F4D entry. Badly.

I don't like talking to people about this, because it feels like I would be passing it off as an excuse for my laziness. But I don't want to be lazy, I want to put hard work into things, and get things done so I don't have to nag myself about them constantly. I want to be able to enjoy video games, trips to the pub, reddit and tv etc and not just use them as a distraction from the work that needs to be done.

I don't really know where I am going with this blog, I just wanted to say something to someone and I feel like the partial anonymity of talking to people on the internet who you have never met in real life kind of reduces the feeling of weakness and vulnerability that I get from letting people in.