Okay 64Digits, a challanger appears! Hell, if you'd care. But I'm curious on how you few guys that still come here will respond.

I fail to the see the meaning of life. Mainly, I don't really see a reason to live, or stay alive. Now, I know what you're thinking, "oh this little idiot is just sad, he'll get over it." Nope, invalid argument. Shortly after I joined this site, I just started convincing myself more and more that I really don't have a reason to live. I dropped the idea after a few months, but a year later it came back. I've never actually attempted to take my own life, but to be honest, if the opportunity came, I wouldn't think of it much.

I keep repeating I don't have much of a reason to live. It's true. Like I said, I've been thinking this ever since I joined, around four years ago. A lot of brainstorming happens in four years. A few weeks back I really did completely convince myself I have no reason to live, and well, I really do believe I have earned the right as the first person who really is wanting to die, with good reasons. Not just that "oh he was just depressed lol" crap.

My childhood was fucked. Imagine a spoiled rich kid's childhood. Friendless, outcast, and not really seeing a reason for school. Now take away the kid's money, and you have my childhood. No freaking differences. My parents showered me with gifts (no clue where they got the money, we were really broke), assuming this will make me happy. It did, but only temporarily. On the long run, it made me a horrible person. It messed with my personally completely and that added with extremely short temper, courtesy of my father, and my mother's short memory, there was not a good thing about me. I wasn't good in sports, school, or socially. I wasn't very likable either. Now, this attitude stayed with me until high school. Pathetic? Yeah, but I had no one to depend on. Not my parents, not a single friend, or family member. I would like to say I raised myself, but then again my parents were always there, but, just there. They tried to be good parents later on, but since they had already spoiled me as a kid, my pissy attitude made them stop talking to me. And to be honest, while I don't have a problem with them, and they are still trying to get through to me, I just don't want to talk to them. I know they're not responsible for my childhood, but it did mess up the rest of my life, and naturally, I need to blame it on someone. I really don't want to, but I guess part of that fucked personality is still with me.

Alright, so I move on to high school. In this point, I'm 3 times the normal weight for someone my age, have braces, and long hair. Very sucky fasion, barely known, your basic freak basically. At this time, I was desperate for having someone to talk to. I got a friend, but you could get a better friend from a bar. This guy put me down in every way, shape and form. He didn't hate me, but he just wasn't too happy that I was the first and probably only friend he had at the time. Take in mind though, this guy isn't a loser in any way. Hell, he could've qualified as popular (and sure acted like one, not around others, but around me. Treating me like I was a typical weirdo and he was going to do something stupid to impress people around him and make them laugh, except, without the people), but he never tried. He was a transfer and only wanted a few friends for now. I was one of them I guess. Like I said, I was freaking desperate for someone to talk to, even though it meant this person hated my guts. This year too, I got my first love. I'll spare you the drama and I'll get straight to the point. I waited a year to tell her how I felt about her. After she said she didn't really see anything about me that could make her go out with me (though she did admit she used to have a crush on me. We talked endlessly over the summer on myspace, only for her to reject me even harder), I was crushed. Of course, that asshole friend of mine thrashed me down even more, even though I had already improved myself (little better fashion, lost a fuckton of weight with annorexia, I'm not kidding). He finished me off, my self-esteem was on the floor and I had just been rejected by my first love. First stupid reason why I wanted to kill myself. The thing is, I knew it was a stupid reason to kill myself, though I still wanted to do it. Logic eventually saved me.

That summer, I had a myspace. Yeah, myspace, shut up. I was immature. Well, the thing is, I was bored as hell, and didn't really care about myspace much, so I put as my orientation being Bi (which later backfired for no reason, apparently most of the school saw this and I gained the reputation of being Bi, when I wasnt). Well, an actual Bi person added me. I'll actually give him a name, not the real one of course. Alfredo. Well, he was a saint. He wasn't your typical bisexual, he wasn't annoying, he didn't advertise the fact that he was gay (though you can tell right off the bat with his personality), and he was just the nicest person I've met in my life. At this time, I was still unaware of having a shitty personality, though it was a little better than before. I don't know if he knew this or not, but he improved it tenfold. I wasn't an asshole anymore, I actually cared about others, I got focused at school more and I even joined a sport. My personality got flipped around because of him. I was so thankful, but I really didn't know if he was doing it on purpose or not, so I never really told him. He knew though, that I was really thankful of him for SOMETHING, I just didn't know if it was because he changed my personality. Ah well. That was my sophomore year. I actually saw that I was missing out on so much in life.

Now, the summer between my sophomore year and junior year. There's nothing wrong between these periods, except that I start learning more and more on how people work. Past mistakes, and the motives of it. Why people act the way they act, and why they never, ever change, no matter the individual, where the individual lives, or the time period. I start seeing how people really are, and how they'll never change. How our own selfish greeds will drive us to endless wars and how crime will never be stopped. How some people live their whole lives alone, with nobody, and others have the time of their life partying. It hardly seems fair. Psychology is interesting but disturbing at the same time.

Junior year. Well, I get somewhat of a social life. I get another girlfriend, and to be honest, my second true love, oshit. I had known that having a true love only fucked with my reasoning, cause it brings back EVERYTHING from my childhood about not having anybody, ever. So yeah, that ends pretty damn fast also. I kept trying to get her back, but she kept rejecting me. There was a lesson here though, my emotional side IS fucked. Majorly, I have no control over it. It's pathetic, hence the reason why I haven't tried to fall in love again (I still love her to this day though, doubt she actually cares if I'm alive or not, heh). As stated, my emotional side is fucked, so I've learned to replace with with logic. Nothing irrational happens because of love or depression or other crap. It's turning me into a horrible person again, but I can't go back into letting myself to ask her to take me back, which, I know will happen.

My little psychology experience leads me to believe that I won't find anybody that will just "click" with me. I'll never have a true love that loves me as much as I love her. This is also keeping me from having any extremely close friends. No one, ever, has known about more than little of any part of my life written here. So yeah, one of the main reasons to stay alive, to someday meet someone to finally share everything with, is dead. My emotional side is beyond repair, so I doubt any real psychologist will actually help me.

Another reason to stay alive is for hopes and dreams. I have none. I'm not kidding. There's nothing I'm looking foward to being when I'm on my own. I can program, but it's severly boring for me sometimes and I can't see myself doing it more than a few hours or so per day. No way can I take it as a full time job. One other thing I actually do enjoy is gymnastics, but I'd have to pay for private classes, which I do not have the money for. Not only that, but it's not a lifetime sport. When I'm done after a few 20 years I won't have anything else to live for, so I don't even bother.

You see, some people simply are better off dead. Very few will miss them, and only temporarily. Time heals all "wounds," though to be honest I don't think I've made that much of an impression to anyone in my life. I don't see the reason of living, I have not had or will ever have anybody to share anything with because of my fucked personality. I also have no hopes or dreams with my life.

I wish that people who just want to die are able to do it silently without anybody knowing because of media. I don't like the fact that suicide is illegal. It should be a right, like, public schools or something.