Time and time passes away… i hate that I don't have enough time to do all the things i want to do. why does it go away so fast?? i feel like i'm being robbed. here i am in the year 2014, no longer a teenager but just a guy living on his own with a roommate, going to fulltime school and work. but i have desires… i have needs i need to take care of. like for example, i have my own idea on how i want to build up my life if i had free time. i would go out to run daily for a few minutes, then come work on Cursed Black……
blah forget that fantasy.i have a 20 minute presentation due in three hours. i got up 2 hours ago to start working on it but i haven't done it. something about being close to failure makes procrastinating so appealing. showing up to class without my presentation, who does that? nobody! but look at me now, i'm STILL not working on it. my brain says "nope," and i don't want to work on my schoolwork. it could be a number of things… lack of discipline, loneliness, procrastination, my indecisive attitude, but none of that matters. what matters most is that i have a problem that has not yet been fixed: i've been telling myself for the past two hours i was going to start working on this project. is it really going to take me 3 hours to finish? maybe it will, and i'll be home clear for my presentation. but i did fuck myself over by not doing my other biochemistry homework. why would i do that?i'm so close to finishing school, and i'm so unmotivated to finish. years ago i started to tell myself school was pointless. why go? i never wanted to go. i went to college because my mom always wanted for me to go to school. but i'm sure as shit not going because i want to. even my major is silly: i'm good with computers and software development, and math, but i'm completely neglecting these skills because i said "hurr doctors get paid more i should do biology." and of course, because i have friends i can TALK to about these things but no CLOSE friends that will have the guts to tell me "dude, you don't make sense. why are you majoring in something you're not so good at when you have all these math skills on this other side of your brain?"this is the problem with being in isolation and i hate it. i can be wrong, i can keep a delusional thought in my mind, and it will take a LONG time for someone to correct it. i will neurotically lead any thought to the nth degree. i will take a piece of an idea, and run with it. i'll ask myself endless questions, "should i do this? but if i do, then THIS will happen, and i don't want that to happen. but if it does happen? maybe it'll be fun. but will it really?"it's such a silly attitude to have, but it's what leads me to 64digits. i can, and do, have the ability to talk to others about what's really on my mind. that's no longer a struggle that i have to deal with. i've confirmed this many times with people i talk to, i can DEFINITELY speak about what's on my mind, so i don't have as many problems as i used to back when i used to post daily blogs here (holy shit.. back in 06-07). now my biggest problem i'm facing in my 20's.. will i do it?since you see me blogging here, you can tell i haven't in a while.in reality, i'm lonely.
i hate coming home to an empty house.. i used to have a girlfriend living here, and two dogs to keep me company when she wasn't here. and if i ever lost hope in humanity, either in my own or others, i could go take one of the four rats that used to be here and play with them… pet them, let them climb on me, let their cute little noses snuggle inside my ear.now i have nothing. it's as if i really, really wanted to be lonely. why else would i do this to myself? the girl i was with loved me. why would i push her away and tell her to move out?ugh, all i am is tired. loneliness is a problem that can be fixed. so is neurosis, and so is not speaking up about how i feel and think. nothing is impossible, and neither is this piece of shit presentation that's due. my biggest problem is making myself do work. sharing what i think and feel, to me feels like work. work i don't want to do but i do anyway because i don't want to be lonely. making this presentation IS work. work i'm doing because… i need a job.
Have you tried quitting school? If you can already support yourself with your current job I don't see why you need to study for vocational purposes. Then you could spend your free time studying shit you're actually interested in.
You might do good to learn to be alone without being lonely. Alcohol is good for that.Isolation sucks, but thats why I was a fan of college since theres always people you can meet.
Also, computers are stressful, I think other professions like medical and business are easier to deal with so long as you can put up with the hurdles to get there.Though the same can be said about software, as almost all of my classes were more principle than actual relevant topics when it came to my degree, but it was interesting at least (but overpriced IMO…) It came down to maybe 3 or 4 classes that were actually specific to my concentration (well actually, I went to community college first which had better teachers and more specific c++ and java courses), but yeah, at least I met some great people that have pretty cool talents with their degrees. But, I went to a technical university, of course..
What I meant by stress is that its very time consuming and cuts into other life activities, e.g. learning new tech and making projects, but yeah. Other people went out more on the weekends than I used to haha.But I agree, you have to do something you want to do, but school is ultimately preparing you for that. You just gotta enjoy your time there while you study for it. [Disclaimer: Some people disagree with me on partying it up in college, but for me, it was something I wanted to do while I wasn't coding on a computer for hours on end everyday… or playing minecraft]I am doing MBA from st patricks to get a nice job.