I've cried. I've cried so goddamn much the past few months over losing people. It's almost as I wasn't expecting it, but in reality, I'm always dreading it. This is the last few days of 2015 I'm facing, and I'm starting 2016 pretty alone – I've lost the girlfriend I had most of the year, the roommate/best friend I've had for 3 years, and the stupid crush I've had for almost a decade. This sucks.
There IS a bright side though – like there always is. I get to start my real goal, which is to train for becoming the man I want to be as an adult. I'm 23 now, but much like the 45 year-old cashier I got in an argument with a few days ago, I still act very much like a child. My actions are determined by my emotions, I see my responsibilities as optional, and have no real sense of consequences until they are staring me at the face. I've been living my life this way for such a long time… and the place that showed me that being accountable is actually more freeing than binding, is still there for me to use. How long will it be there? I'm not sure, but I don't want to miss out on an opportunity like this since there's no telling if there's going to be another chance for me to save myself, from myself.Not to mention I'm not getting any younger.I hate being a hipster. I hate being a nice guy. I hate being a video game nerd, a sentimental, patient, caring, neurotic, apologetic child. Being "smart" hasn't solved any of my simple problems, and being "patient" hasn't gotten me the end results I want. Being a white knight hasn't helped me with woman one bit, and being a social justice warrior continues to prove to me that the idea is nothing but a joke that someone else truly believed and sold the idea to me. I bought it. I bought it like the sucker I am.I tried making a playlist of my life in one of my recent road trips. One song per year. It's not complete yet, and it's really not practical considering I've been alive so long and this playlist is too long for anyone to listen to at one sitting, but here it is. It's split into sections, and each song represents either the song I listened to the most each year or the song that is the most fitting for the year. I can't think of a goddamn thing from when I was a kid. I hated music as a kid.Child:…Pre-Teen:
2001: Sonic the Hedgehog 2: Chemical Zone2002: Super Smash Bros. Melee: Battlefield2003: Pokemon Sapphire/Ruby: Vs. Elite Four2004: Pokemon Firered/Leafgreen: Vs. Elite Four / Gym Leader
2005: System of a Down - Chop Suey!2006: Serj Tankian - Falling Stars2007: System of a Down - Toxicity2008: Cave Story - Gravity2009: Scars on Broadway - Enemy2010: Neutral Milk Hotel - Ghost2011: The Beatles - I've Just Seen A Face2012: The Beatles - A Day in The Life2013: "The Beatles" - Over The Ocean [Everyday Chemistry]2014: Paul McCartney and the Wings - Country Dreamer2015: Tame Impala - The Less I Know The Better
Reading between lines a bit… you seem to have one of the most common issues males has with understanding the opposite gender; realizing that females more or less work like you mentally. There's no need to act like a white knight (and certainly not like a bad boy either), just try to treat girls naturally, like you'd treat a boy of the same age, and it'll be much easier to form bonds. (Also, when a girl tells you something, no matter how petty or boring, she usually expects you to remember it. A lot of the guys I know kinda doesn't realize that :P)
I'm by no means an expert on the matter, but… you know, insider information :PLost a GF of five years back in May. Not easy, but you will prevail. The lamest sounding advice truly is the best though: Be yourself. Just be yourself. Someone will respect and appreciate you if you carry yourself honestly and openly.
Sidebar - I also hated music as a kid. Thought I was the only one!I never started liking music. Still listen almost exclusively to video game music; that was quite a trek down memory lane. I also haven't dated anyone in like ten years, so hard to relate, there.
I'm pretty sure I didn't hate music when I was a kid, but I didn't love it either - until I turned… 13 or 14, maybe.
Oh, and I have never dated anyone. Every time I see an interesting looking girl, my first thought is, "She probably has someone or she wouldn't like me", so I don't even bother. I just ignore that girl and continue my life. I'm probably going to have a lonely life, but hey, at least I have time for game development and writing!But I have lost some good friends earlier this year when my school ended. Some of them went to army, some of them (including me) went to college and the rest… no idea. Even though I tell myself "Hey, you'll always find new friends!", I still miss my former friends sometimes.It's a well known fact that women devour the souls of men that they aren't interested in. Be careful Jani, Steven just wants to get revenge on you for probably calling some of his music "songs."