I just got away with murder. And I'll explain as soon as my text reaches the length to not show the full entry in the front page. In the meantime, I got owned by the April Fools joke… no lie, since I asked why I hadn't been made a mod yet in the IRC a few weeks ago the PM that came to me at 3am today was a surprise… and I fell for it, hard. I kept watching the stupid video with the stupid guy who, hell knows who he is, and then I said "fuck this, this is taking too long, what's the source code. The giveaway was the line of text that said "This process can take up to 187 years" and then I remembered. I'm glad I fell for it… I'm no cynical or insane enough to not get fooled.

The biggest piece of fear is sometimes… the betrayal. The feeling of getting stabbed in the back by someone close to me, and even though I love to think I'm above it and I've learned to outgrown it, THAT never happens. The feeling, when I allow it, invades my gut and heart, I feel like I was hit by a metaphorical truck, and I go down a dark path of self-defacing thoughts that lead to me being braindead all day. This shit is annoying because the "betrayals" I'm talking about never seem to come expected… they always happen at the weirdest times. Me being affected by this has always been a huge problem for me.

But something magical happened last night. For the first time, ever, I was able to LOOK straight into the eye of the motherfucker that "betrayed" me, along with his stupid girl, and told him to fuck off, MEANING it. I mean, how much fucking power is that? I literally was not phased by either, I took the hit like a champ and it just steamrolled away. I mean, what the fuck? Am I really that immune to my own faults if I don't allow them to affect me? Have I grown enough as a person to be above backstabbing?

Nah, that's not it. What's really it, is realizing that I'm not the only human in this world. Understanding that, yes, even though I think everyone I know is an idiot, that's not where I want my train of thought to end. I eventually want to understand these "idiots," because deep down, the only reason I think of anyone as an idiot is because 1) i don't understand them and 2) they don't understand me.

I understood the "betrayal." I understood what I saw last night, and it didn't seem like a far-away concept to me because I saw it as something I could be doing – I wasn't above being the person "doing" the backstabbing, and KNOWING that while this betrayal is happening is the true game-changer. Not knowing that I am capable of the exact same "betrayal," and instead thinking myself as above the other person because I consider myself in a higher moral high ground, ALWAYS leads to the dark path I mentioned earlier. While I'm in that dark path, I always tell myself there's no going back to being okay with myself until I hit the very bottom part of that dark path, which seems to always be true. The fact that "dark path" didn't happen last night AT ALL was amazing to me. I took the hit

I TOOK THE HIT. ME, one guy I consider to be one of the mentally and emotionally weakest guys I know, took what was supposed to bring me down to my knees and cry TOOK THE HIT LIKE A CHAMP. Holy hell, this is truly a moment to cherish, because once one of my biggest fears becomes irrelevant…

What the hell can stop me now?

I'm not above feeling like trash when I feel betrayed, but having a one-up against something I had been struggling for years now is definitely a morale/confidence booster for damn sure.