While 64Digits is on it's last legs, I would like to take a moment to come clean and say that I am always running in cycles. It's like I get a menstruation cramp and go MIA in the real world. Anything that is not inside my own head is considered the real world now. I used to think of this site, even early on, as not real. As in, I wouldn't talk about it to anyone outside the internet, and very rarely outside of online communities that were not Game Maker based. I just used to think of this site as an extension to my neurotic thoughts, as a way to let go.

Recently the most relief and stress release I experience comes from opening to someone in person or over webcam. Release through writing was never my first choice, ever, but was one I was forced to do because of my embarrassingly bad social skills. With that said, so many things can be misread through writing, and even though I think it's fun to type and to let go in front of a keyboard where I literally don't see any consequences of what I type until I get responses back, I still think it's one of the most inferior way of communicating. There are so many aspects missing from writing that I can't notice. For example, firestormx sounded (er… I read like) like a mastermind online, one of the wisest and most experienced people I know. I'm serious, back when I was new here and I had nobody to look up to fsx became a role model for me. He was cool as shit with everybody and everyone seemed to like him. He's MIA now.

I had a meeting with me a few years ago back when I was banned to get unbanned… and it was via webcam. This guy was so shy… more shy than me! He mumbled every word, he had an awkward nervous smile, he seemed uncomfortable… I thought this guy was super cool, why did he seemed scared when he was talking to me? Am I that insane? Who knows, but all my thoughts about him being super cool were destroyed. I mean, he's not the only cool person I knew at that point, so I had a reference point when I saw him. One of the things that didn't match up with the other cool people I knew is that they wouldn't get so nervous over a webcam meeting. Had I known how fsx behaves face-to-face (because of distance practicality purposes, that's as close as I'll ever get with fsx as being face-to-face so I'll consider it as so) when I first started to fanboy him when I was younger… I might have not fanboyed so hard.

With that said, I love writing, I hate the miscommunications. I'm sure when you guys read anything that has to do with me being said or having problems or feeling insecure you might think of me as a loser without a way out. Hell I think of me like that too. But then that gives me no credit when it comes to how much effort I've put in the past 5 years to get out of my shell and be more social for my own sake. Just because I continue to fall into the same traps of putting a girl on a high pedestal or wanting help whenever I feel down doesn't mean I haven't been trying to get better. And that's what I hate about writing – because this has to be a conscious decision for me to do – to share my person through writing, then you don't get to see every other aspect. You don't get to see my growth.

This is actually my exact same complaint about a lot of regular users here. Text communication does DICK at getting to know someone you barely know. I've had guys from here turn on me because of how I decided to treat my ex. Yet my IRL friends treated me with a little more sympathy because they saw exactly what I went through and didn't just assume I wanted to bitch forever. It's hard to get invested with a wall-of-text, it's hard to care about someone who's face you don't even know how it looks. I used to think of this place as my home place, but in reality it only became that because I had no other options. I was too scared to go outside and talk to people face to face.

Maybe one day I'll meet some of you in person, and have a blast. Back when pounce4evur didn't hate my guts, she could have backed me up when I say I can have fun with someone if I want to. If I consider someone worth investing in, I'll make an effort to get to know them, and for the most part anyone I meet on this site is under that umbrella under technicality… cause I know I'll communicate with you again. People from school? They're moving on to their careers far away. People from work? They're stuck in a shitty job and I'll stop seeing them once I move on. People from this site? Hell yeah, you guys are here 4LYFE. No reason why I shouldn't try to get along.

Look at it this way, my favorite kind of relationships are the love-hate ones. They bring out the fire and passion in me. One of my favorite users here (and shh don't tell him this) is one I used to hate and call him an idiot all the time: StevenOBrien. I used to think, "this guy is such a dickhead" until I read a lot of his replies to other users and then I start to think how much I think like this guy. How do I hate someone I like? The answer is I don't. He's writing down exactly how he thinks without being worried of offending someone for the sake of his argument. His point is more important than the other person's feelings. I can understand why people think that's an asshole way of getting things done, but it's so much easier to do things this way than to ALWAYS have to worry about offending someone. So I can only back that up.

Where is this going? who the fuck knows. I don't know. I had a point coming up but it's gone. Maybe I'm just dissatisfied with my mindset that this website will always make me feel like a community or secure, when in reality, I've been comforted by this site before but never really felt secure. I never felt like any of you would be there at my darkest hour, and of course that's what would make me feel secure: knowing you can stick around when I am at my lowest. But that's my problem, I expect too much of a site who's main method of communication is through writing, and I just finished saying how it's so inefficient at communicating the human state-of-mind so this is where I start to contradict myself and sign off. Because if I know my generation (and I'm going to lump you guys in here cause I know you won't read it), most of you, if not all of you, stopped reading at this point.

This might be the third time I've posted this song, but I don't think any of you realize how many erections I get with it so I'm going to keep spamming it so more and go work on my homework:

Bonus: