It's been a damn long time. I haven't posted a blog since August/September last year, and I almost forget what I'm doing. I've still been here, lurking, +1ing and posting occasionally.

Although there is a reason due to my infrequency. I typically prefer to have content such as art, and speak little of my personal life because I've found it a bit crude in the past. But here I am:

Life

Around about the time of my last blog, I was about halfway through grade 11. At this time I was pretty severely depressed, and this collided with school, and I fucked up big time. My grades were descending, and I finished the year abysmally, failing half of my classes. Fortunately for me, only my 12th year of highschool counts towards my exit mark, and grade 11 is meaningless.

I had a major stint of depression early 2010, and it finally came back last year, worse than ever. I was doing ok in school, but I was hit with the realisation that I hadn't done much art wise, I wasn't very sociable, and I realised I've been miserable my whole life. But, most of all, I was just tired. Yes, the best way to describe my depression would be tired; I'm disinterested, and burnt out.

To this day I'm still depressed, but it's on and off. Because of my state, I've also changed a fair bit. Right now I'm very pessimistic. I used to be optimistic during days when I'd be able to be creative, and think "Oh hey, if I just stick to this routine things will turn out ok", but they never do, and as I look back on those days, and wasted thoughts, I have developed very low expectations of myself. Another thing, I don't really think there's any way of determining which state of myself is right or thinking most logically. When I'm angry or depressed, I think in the moment, and respond to that experience directly. When I'm calm or happy, I think differently to when I was angry or depressed. I think in retrospect, and am able to look back on things with a clear mind, but I am also not directly experiencing it, just as someone might say "the pain wasn't that bad", after their experience of it.

I've started school again – my final year – and… I'm not sure how I'll do. I know that this year is actually important, so I know I actually ought to try and do well, but I feel my personal issues will still conflict with that. I'm going to try and achieve good results, if only so that I don't look back in a few years time and think "why the fuck did I let myself fail, that was important". Because of what seems to be a partial bipolarity I posses, I can never trust myself. I think about finishing school and getting an office job or something similar, and ponder about how well I might handle responsibility, despite my motivation issues. I think that I'll be able to overcome that, because it's important, but I don't know. Like I said, I can't trust myself and have very low personal expectations.

That's enough for now. I figured writing this out would make me feel better, but now I actually just feel horrible. Good thing I wrote the rest of the blog first.

And so…

Old Art

I haven't done anything creative for several months. I haven't even picked up a pen with the intent of creativity, I haven't even drawn but a doodle; but I still have some old artwork to share:

More isometric stuff.

More.

Music

I played Age of Empires 2 again, and I paid attention to the music. It is beautiful.

I love this track.

The mystery and thoughtfulness is like nothing I've ever heard.

Games

I played Nifflas' Knytt games. They are perfect. Knytt's open platform exploration is everything I've wanted from the genre. The music chimes in perfectly, sound effects really fit, art and level design is very nice and immersible.

I also played a bunch of Hempuli games, and love his stuff.

IGF finalists were announced and I am annoyed with the selection.

And that's it. Excuse how incoherent my writing might be, it was tough for me to get out, and I just wanted to be done with it. I actually feel kind of ashamed to come back here and post when I haven't even created anything new, and haven't been working on any games. Hopefully I can pick up my act a bit, because I love this community.