Another blogggin.

Life

The last blog I posted was done just before the beginning of my final high school year. I'm now about 4 weeks in, and things have changed since that pretentious emo blog. I'm doing pretty good at school, and I'm taking it all a lot more seriously; I've got a study plan in place, I do my work with relative speed and efficiency, and I'm able to continue to push on despite my tiredness

I think I am still depressed, but I've recognised that a lot of it is due to my fucked up mind, plagued with what is probably bipolar disorder and something like ADHD. The suicidal thoughts have (temporarily?) been put to rest. I've got insomnia; it's something so extremely frustrating, not being able to sleep due to lack of comfort and lack of tiredness. At night I can be very productive, and I generally don't have any incentive to sleep. Another issue I have is appetite; I'm hungry and want to eat, but I just don't feel like putting food in my mouth. It's as though it doesn't even have any flavour despite what I'm eating.

I found a comic which expresses very well how I felt during my super depressed phase. But! Like I said, that's not how I'm feeling now. No, now I'm just dull and pessimistic. I feel like every action is worthless and we're all fucked and nothing really matters. So I'm not self pitiful, but I do feel hurt I feel like right now there's two ways I can go; I can end the pain completely (*ahem* suicide) or I can just be happy. And, I pretty much just want to be happy. Having the pain just stop would be nice, but of course it's not a good idea in general; whereas having it healed would be great, but I just feel like I never really will be healed seeing as I've experienced this kind of thing already and it has kind of cursed me, and that's super frustrating. I've actually got a song in mind which expresses how I feel perfectly:

"I want to be well, I want to be well" "I'm not fucking around"

Those lyrics have such feeling and impact, and they resonate with what I'm going through. The Darwin Deez album is also very relatable for me.

On top of all this, I kinda feel like being depressed is just pitiful. Depression is not some kind of solemn story of sadness, it is not dark and meloncholy; it's just ugly and pitiful, and you can't really feel sorry for the person experiencing it because it's all in their head and nothing can really fix it.

For a long time I've had disdain for the people around me. It's been a long time since I've had a legitimate friend and people are just so fucking crude. Another thing; I've never met a woman who I can respect as much as they respect themselves. This has been a longstanding thing which was just broken. I've started talking to this girl at school, and she's greatly redeemed my esteem of women.

Cartoons

Enough of that bullshit!

Having gotten bored of Adventure Time because I've seen all of the episodes and the new ones are so slow going, I started watching The Regular Show. Holy shit this show is great. The character construction and design is great. Style is excellent, humour is excellent, and there are a lot of really clever references to pop culture, movies, and even drugs, fucking drugs… in a children's show. The episode that got me hooked was Skips Vs Technology mainly due to exaggeration and referencing of IT stuff. Another big hook for me was how relatable a lot of the scenarios are; the kind of pitiful stuff Rigby does, the weight of responsibility and work, etc.

Found this amazing black n' white cartoon clip. It's super freaky, too:

Games

A few weeks ago I got super mad from playing a game, and realised that shit wasn't going to help me much, so I deleted my entire collection of games from my computer and haven't played any since. I might play the V4D entries though.

This was a long blog, but I really didn't want to divide up what I was saying about depression into another blog.