Copy and pasted from Maidens of the Kaleidoscope.

I realize how bad I am at scheduling, but I am in a car homebound from Vegas right now. I don't have much else to do.

SO LET'S START A LET'S PLAY

You might have noticed that I called this "Text Play."

Well, um, I can't post pictures. So all you guys have to ride on is the sultry sound of my typing!

Sorry guys.

LET'S GO GO GO GO

We turn on the game, and get a happy string of Kirbys running through… Hell?

Oh, yes, This is my sister's game and she's in a place called "Volcano Valley." Sounds fun.

We tap on the epileptic-unfriendly Touch to Start! indicator on the screen and begin file 2.

Cutscene time.

-Kirby goes exploring the Popopo Islands.

-Carelessly falls asleep in public.

-Lightning appears.

-Some Nightmare ripoff appears- this time with skull face.

-His name is "Necrodeus." He leads the "Skull Gang."

-We want to drown light in darkness! Because physics.

-More lightning! This time it hits us. SPARK KIRBY G-

-Whoops, nope, we died.

-Oh, no, we're just in pieces now. Because anatomy.

-The Kirby Pieces explode.

-There's only one left. Cheesily dramatic text.

-Kirby's heart is now a star? He gets a pep talk from his heart.

-Kirby calmly walks away from Necrodeus before being fried with lightning again, who doesn't seem to mind his leaving.

Tutorial time!!

"This is a stage."

You don't say.

"This number shows how many Kirbys you need to enter the stage."

Well, it reads one. For all you Shrine Maidens, take my word for it.

Well, the game expects us to enter level 1-1 now. I see some blank spaces up top for "medals." Hoo boy, this better not be like the Great Cave Offensive all over again. I sunk over ten hours into that.

We enter 1-1.

Our first tutorial… Will it be about controlling multiple Kirbys?!

"WALKING"

(•_ • )

Anyway, instead of Warp Starring into the level like you'd expect, he's… off screen.

"Touch the screen to make the star appear. Kirby will follow it!"

A true testament to ADD-addled people everywhere.

I tap the screen, and Kirby slowwwwwwlyy walks in from the left.

He does a clappy dance upon arrival. I was expecting that at the end of the level?

I walk another foot to the right and SPONTANEOUS FRUIT.

An apple approaches! Command?

>Eat it

Eat it

Eat it

You eat the apple. You gain 1 EXP.

Oh, that was easy. We continue to the rSPONTANEOUS FRUIT

(…)

After that exercise in infant obesity, Kirby encounters… a green thing! It's a little green sack looking thing with leaves.

It leaves.

It jumps into an oddly hollow tree and destroys the pathways inside.

Asshole.

We approach the tree and a tutorial appears.

It explains that we can pick up Kirby and draw him a path. Kind of like Canvas Curse, kind of not.

We pick him up and hoist him up to the door.

>>>NEXT ROOM >>>

Hey, there you are, you little planty bastard!

Where are you going?

Blocks appear and we get a tutorial.

"To make Kirby jump and break blocks, flick him with the stylus."

>>>NEXT ROOM>>>

Music change, holy shit!

It's a remix of the Kirby 64 boss theme. And we're fighting Plant Bastard!

"Fighting Enemies"

Turns out the combat in this game is more or less automated. Kirby/s will begin punching the shit out of things they run into. I walk into Plant Bastard and he dies.

Well… that was easy. He drops 1 EXP.

Two more Plant Bastards appear.

I am now sitting at 11 experience. A door appears and I run inside

Next room.

I fall through five more experience points. If only Final Fantasy or Nocturne were this easy.

We run to the right and BANANAS.

Bananas.

Are worth.

10 EXPERIENCE.

I'm at 46 now. I wonder what happens when I level up, which appears to be at 100 EXP.

More enemies. Also, a not-so-out-of-sight platform. Flick.

Apples. BANANAS.

And… a medal? Collect. I have to wonder what these are for.

Into the cave! There vines on the ceiling. Grope.

They drop fruit. I…. personally wouldn't eat rock ceiling bananas, but whatever floats your boat.

Medal! Get.

Speaking of rocks, here's a rather large one with a vine attached.

Kirby tried to molest it, but it shook off his advances.

A tutorial bubble tells me to collect more Kirbys to access the certain death as a result of pulling down this rock.

Eh, okay.

Onward!

It's a bird, flying around the top of the screen. Murder.

Oh, it only drops one experience.

There's a tree on the side of the screen, that some incompetent lumberjack appears to have cut it down to it's center, and ignored actually falling it down.

Let's murder it. Flick.

IT DROPS FRUUUUUUIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTT

FLICKFLICKFLICKFLICKFLICK

Enough fruit to level me up, yay!

Level 2! I get… another Kirby. Yaaaay~

Oh, look, melon.

30 EXP EUSOIWNCBVAOXNASDFGISLWN

I end up with 99 / 100 EXP to Lv. 3.

APPLES WHERE ARE YOU

Advancing to the right, we encounter another bird. Murder.

Level 3! Let's try this vine again.

…Nope. Damn, how much does it need? Let's continue.

We pass an odd ring structure with a sign that depicts a blue Kirby jumping through it and becoming pink.

Those will heal me, I guess.

I find another medal inside a giant beet… but the fourth slot is filled with this one.

I MISSED ONE? FFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

Oh, right, that vine I couldn't violate.

I find the fifth medal hidden in a block.

Advancing further right… the background begins to darken.

What could it meeeeaa- oh look stage end

No damage runs? In the one Kirby game where you don't assume direct control not over one- but a horde of Kirbys?

I HATE YOU NINTENDOOOOOOO

So yeah a let's play

Bad idea? Bad idea. It took me 45 minutes to do Stage 1-1.

We'll see~

It'll get funnier later on, I promise… There's not much to comment on yet…