So today was more or less my first experience AT THE BEACH.

Let's just get one thing straight: Mother Nature is the biggest asshole in the entire effing world.

The ocean.

Have you jerks ever been to that fuckin' thing? I swear to God that the Gulf of Mexico is, in fact, alive, and is out to murder all of us.

It responds to stimuli in one way: sending waves over to eat you.

There's nothing quite as enjoyable as ducking underwater to avoid the incoming liquid onslaught, resurfacing, and then looking again to find out that there was another, and more powerful wave right behind it.

And if those things catch you, then it can really hurt.

You can jump, but then if you mistimed it or jumped too low, you'd get punched in the throat or in the stomach or in the groin with a bunch of water. If you just stand there, it sweeps you off your feet and punches you in the face.

Make no mistake, that water is fucking hardcore.

Heaven forbid you try to escape by swimming to shore, because the water out there actively pulls you into every new wave. It's the stuff of nightmares to know that about every six seconds you look out to sea that Gaea put together a brand new 3000-gallon frothing salty bitchslap for you.

How do you handle it then?

Face it straight on? That's retarded. Try to approach it back turned? That's inviting Mother Nature to rape you. From the sides? Get used to deafness for the next few hours.

And they're pretty high too- there were more than a few waves 6 feet above the rest of the water: waves that would gladly pick you up and deposit you either on some discarded beer bottles or an irritated crab.

So why do people go to the beach then, if Mother Nature is out to fucking eat you and you're surrounded by

1: unattractive gay people

2: attractive straight people

(Keep my perspective in mind, this probably doesn't sound too bad for you)

and every time you randomly scoop up some underwater dirt there's a disgusting looking baby starfish suddenly wondering why everything is so bright all of a sudden?

I don't know.

But it is a lot of fun and I would wholly recommend the lot of you and your respective mothers to go.