Yeah, I haven't made a blog in like a month. I've decided to end my boycotting. If you have no idea what I'm talking about, just skip this part. Too late.

Ok, I'm pretty fucked up, I realised.

Why you ask? Let's see:

I get depressed for no reason at all. I could be happy as hell, laughing with my friends, but then some reality strikes me and I realise there's nothing to be laughing about. These bouts of depression can last for as little as a hour, to almost a week straight.

I have serious anger issues. Things that would never even phase me in the past seem to send me into violent outbursts and (sometimes) even self-destructive behavior. The other day, my mom really pissed me off with something REALLY stupid, and I went into my room, slammed my head into a wall, which left a huge bruise on my head. I then went outside, punched her truck as hard as I could, which about broke my knuckles. I didn't stop there. I walked way out back (I live on a farm land that's about 7 acres), started throwing anything I could get my hands on, rocks, logs, what have you, the grabbed a large branch and started slamming it into the ground as hard as I could. I don't know, I think the echo the sound caused made me feel better or something, but I kept doing that until my hands were raw and burning. It took about 3 more hours for me to fully calm down. I spent most of that time walking around my yard, cussing and spitting all the while.

I'm basically a social outcast. I speak too fast, so no one can understand me, and of course I am ridiculed for it. I've never had a girlfriend, so people think I'm gay. Awesome. On top of that, I must have missed the part where doing drugs made you cool. That's what over half the kids in my school do, and because I refuse to participate in their suicidal escapades, I'm considered "less than."

I'm not trying to be self-centered, but I AM actually very intelligent. Ever since the second grade, my teachers have noticed that I learn material much faster than others.

These days… not so much. In fact, I am in a 'slow' math class, I failed a year of Spanish, and the past few years my grades have been horrible. I can feel my mind rotting, and I can't do anything about it. I have to get away from this community. There's no place for someone like me, it seems.

Right at this moment, I feel somewhat ill. My head is killing me, my tooth hurts, and I'm tired, mentally. I'm going to have to try even harder if I ever hope to get out of this state. Hell, I want out of this country.

The only somewhat good thing that's happened to me recently is I received a letter from Lockheed Martin (an engineering university), and they're offering courses in some cool subjects like programming and robotics. I had to list the top 3 courses I wanted to take, in case some of them were unavailable, and I chose:

1) Programming in Java

2) Programming in Python

3) Robotics

So, with any luck, I'll get a programming course and get some experience that will actually make me somewhat valuable… not here though. The only thing valuable in a person here is being able to consume large amounts of alcohol or getting knocked up.

…Fuck. That's all I can really say.

I'm sorry to put you all through this.