Why am I so emotional? Sometimes I really do wish I was an autistic kid who got pure joy from sitting in his room programming games all day, not worried about girls, the future, ego, his own image, etc.

Instead I'm smack dab in the middle. Never able to excel at my studies, too much of a procrastinator, and at the same time, never quite able to have the confidence to be the man, the go-to guy, the lead singer.

I don't know if it has to do with my upbringing, but I always feel a strong obligation to please people, I excel at my job for this reason, I'm probably the last person they would ever let go, but from a social standpoint, pleasing people often seems to be viewed as a weakness.

I feel as if I neglected my crazy teen years and now all these crazy thoughts and feelings are resurfacing. Yeah, I did lots of drugs in high school, neglected my studies to hang out with a few close friends, but I was never the party goer, never got all the girls. My deep depression that I suffered through during high school that I would only later be diagnosed with may have held me back from these things. Instead I would sit at home, thinking, being introspective. Making music (minus my old band mates), painting pictures, (minus the group of people I would get high with and do all sorts of crazy creative things with). And now that I am out of school and working full time, I feel like I never really safely landed myself on the ground, never was quite able to decide where I belong along this spectrum. My confidence to meet new people is diminishing and all my old frinds are off at college. And this crazy, passionate, stupid, amazing girl comes along, but I don't know if I really have it in me to keep up with her…

I want that crazy back. Sometimes I get the strongest urges to act in such a way that I know is completely stupid, reckless, criminal, but when I look at the backseats of my car, there are no friends to share the thrill with, the passenger seat, no girl to hold me tight and tell me "No, stop Dan.", while the look in her eyes lets me know that it's actually turning her on and making her feel alive.

I don't want this, it is something I would rather overcome, but it's something I can't pretend not to have.

Lately, I've become extremely sensitive, which doesn't make the situation any easier. I may read into and misinterpret a simple situation or comment, and let it ruin my entire day, but I brush it off the surface, and let it eat me away inside.

Personality wise, I am both extremely open, sensitive to beauty. I prefer novelty over convention, but at the same time, I am extremely neurotic, stressed, self conscious, etc.

I want to let go, I want to let the fire spread and be wild and crazy, but I'm too soft to do it without being damaged by the fire.