A Dialogue For The Art of Cookery

JOSIAH

You may have bested me in the art of swordsmanship, but! Can you defeat me in the art of cooking, Shanti?!

SHANTI (sexist)

Cooking is an art reserved for the woman! I sharpen my blade, not tomatoes!

JOSIAH

Sharp tomatoes hurt my molars.

SHANTI

I'll agree to that.

JOSIAH

Now fight me like a man! Prepare to make your best curry!

SHANTI

You will never see the sun again once you taste my glorious secret spices!

JOSIAH

Oh, so you're going to poison it?

SHANTI

No, my curry is just quite horrendous, lad.

JOSIAH

I thank you for the warning. We'll get my daughter to taste our dishes. She's a whore anyway.

SHANTI

Whores are nice.

JOSIAH

Seeing your wife makes it obvious you think that way.

SHANTI

Do not insult me with your petty words! Insult me with your dangerously fine beef!

JOSIAH

…Beef? I say, aren't you Hindu, a worshiper of cows?

SHANTI

Let's pretend I'm a French Huguenot! Au revoir!

JOSIAH

And what does that mean?

SHANTI

I haven't the slightest idea. Let us continue! En garde! (pulls out spoon)

JOSIAH

Ha! I laugh at your spoon! It shouts low quality! And mine is bigger!

SHANTI

Fool! See with more observant intelligent eyes, Josiah! My spoon has been made from the rare steel of Damascus!

JOSIAH

Hmph! My spoon is crafted from the wooden cross that bore Jesus himself!

SHANTI

What a holy relic! Surely, it can slay even my mother-in-law!

JOSIAH

Indeed!

SHANTI

Let us hold the duel until the morrow! Now, let us march to my accursed mother-in-law!

JOSIAH

And my whore! She needs purifying!

SHANTI

I fear it is too late for your daughter…

BAO FEI

I have come to put an end to this charade! You bash women and clearly have no right to! Thus, it is my duty to send your soul back whence it came! Come forth, my blade of Acala! (stabs Shanti with toothpick)

SHANTI

This wood! She burns my bodily fluids into dust and explodes my organs! (explodes into ashes)

JOSIAH

He's a vampire!

BAO FEI

He WAS a vampire! Now he needn't trouble this fragile Earth ever again. Now he is nothing but sexist ash.

JOSIAH (closet gay)

Sexy. Say, would you like to take my daughter's hand in marriage.

BAO FEI

I'm afraid I like those smaller in size and age. I bid fortune to you and her. Now, I must go. Farewell!

Pray

Light shines on the heaven

The earth the spirit

Light brings glory and grace

May it open your eyes to the truth Shanti

Shanti

kuzureochiru hikari suna no kakera

kono setsunai itami ni niteiru

omosugiru tsubasa wo hirogezu ni suwatte

yasashisa ni shigamitsuku kagi hazushi

ano hi yume mita basho he ikou

I'm with you

toomawari shite mo kesshite furimukazu

I'm you

You are me forever…

itsumademo

kotoba hitotsu sabishii yami terashi

uta tsutaete inori wo chikara ni motomeau

kodoku na tamashii ni kuchizuke

nobashitate fureru toki mune furue

anata wo mamoru tate ni narou

I'm with you

umarekawatte mo itsuka meguriau

omoidashite soba ni itsumademo

ANIMU