So you want to hear about my life? Then prepare for a mind-blowing experience that nobody but me could possibly live.

I was born into a pack of wolves. But nobody told me that until I was ten years old and had been swimming with the orcas all my life. They said I'd been discarded as an infant, left to die in the snow-covered wilderness until the wise sage found me. The sage was the creature I came to know as my father.

He was an old, bearded turtle by the name of Genji. He told me that once upon a time, he could fly, but his powers gave out suddenly during his long trek through the tundras of the North. He plunged into the snowstorms and all was lost. But just when he was at the brink of death, his flippers turned to land legs and he trudged through the remorseless snow with his eyes set on the ocean.

And then he found me. A lone baby wrapped in little more than fox furs. I still wear those even today. But lately I prioritize a special hat I made after going on a long spiritual journey to kill the legendary DesertFox and wear his hide upon my head.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. I grew up in a family of orcas. But they must have hated me, thought I was a monster like the wolves had. They kept me on a lonely little island while they frolicked about in the warm waters. Every time I tried to swim with them, they only splashed and shouted. And Genji was the only friend I ever had.

But even the best things come to an end, and the wise sage that brought me raw sea urchins to eat finally passed away in a terrifying Twisterghost. Since that day I swore revenge, that one day I would kill the creature that took my Genji from me.

But that would have to wait until I got off of this island.

Weeks later, starving and hallucinating from drinking seawater, I came across a rather obese duck. Or maybe, he came across me. He introduced himself to me as Duckman, and said he could grant any one wish I had.

So I wished for him to kill my family that had splashed at me and kept me from playing with them.

He showed me a dozen different grenades on his belt before raising one to his teeth and tearing the pin off. Then he threw it into my mother's mouth. I will never be able to explain why everyone else was attracted to her like magnets, and neither could Duckman, but it did the job.

He looked at me with a yellow-toothed grin, and flashed his sunglasses. He said it was fun, and that he would be willing to grant me one more wish. So I asked him to ferry me to the far lands of Founton. He said he knew the place well, had grown up there and raised a family only to lose them to the Twisterghost. I told him of my situation and he promised to help me exact revenge. And so we started on a long journey across the ocean.

When he said we were halfway there, he handed me a spoon. He called it the RawrSpoon. He said that if I ever needed help, all I had to do was "rawr" into the spoon. I practiced with him. But it took ages to be successful, and when I finally was, Duckman disappeared from under me, plunging me into the water.

I called and called to no avail. I tried raising the RawrSpoon to my lips and rawring into it again, but it didn't make the same sound as before.

Rather…it sounded something like….

"FLASHBACK SLICE!"

And in that very instant, I was whisked away across the surface of the water, feeling something at my back but unable to see what it was. I was traveling at a blinding speed, so fast that even time tried to match me.

And then land finally came into sight. This must have been Founton.

But my hopes and dreams were shattered when I heard from behind me a very deep, ogre-like voice.

"FLASHBACK…TIRED…."

And then my soaring came to an end, and I plummeted toward the beach, only to miss and land in the water again. I couldn't see anything but blue, and even that darkened to blackness.

I don't know where I was when I woke up. In fact, I don't even really remember waking up. But the only thing I remember to this day is looking up at a red glyph on the ceiling.

A firm hand rested on my shoulder and I heard a sigh of nostalgia as an unidentified voice followed.

"See that up there? That's an Arcalyth. Supposedly it has phenomenal healing properties. You would have drowned if I didn't bring you to this sacred shrine."

I tried to talk, but my chest was too tight.

The voice was interrupted by a light clucking sound near the doorway, and a fantastic feathered creature made its way into the room, pecking at a trail of seeds it found on the floor.

"Oh, look. My ChIkEn trap actually worked. Purianite said it wouldn't, but he's just skeptical. I knew all along that it would.

I saw the hands of the man who had saved me. They were covered in fur. That seemed like enough to startle me into speaking.

"Who…are you…?"

"Cyrus," the man answered in a gruff voice. "CyrusRoberto. And I…am a Kenoranger."

"A Keno-what?"

"Five hundred years ago, the great god Kenon fell to the Red Army. His priests then gathered to form a cult, which they called the 'Kenorangers'. Whenever each of them bore a child, they would teach them the ways of Kenon's Theorem. And then after slaying a ciribot would they be admitted into the Kenorangers. That practice continued from generation to generation until this very day. And I…? I am the last remaining pure priest since the first, Kamira."

"Wait. I'm not following. What's this about a 'Red Army'?"

"Ah, you're asking a difficult question. The Red Army is the legion commanded by the legendary Kabob799, who serves a false god named FirestormX. We're fighting them even now. And even while you rest, they put torches to our forests…burning them down at such a rate that we can't replenish them with any amount of Colseeds."

He tilted his head at me and gave a friendly grin. "But excuse me for talking about our problems. What were you doing getting washed up on shore?"

"I was on a long journey to Founton," I said, holding my side as I sat up.

Cyrus's face was pale. "From across the ocean? Have you seen the Twisterghost?"

I nodded, my expression frail. "It killed my father."

"The Twisterghost has taken many lives. Sent them straight to the depths of Hel. It is a strange phenomenon of our world, and the only way to beat it is with the help of the SleepinJohnnyFish."

"The…what…?"

"The great fish that sleeps at the bottom of the deepest trench. Supposedly, only he has the power to vanquish a foe such as the Twisterghost." And then Cyrus's face grew solemn, and he turned away from me as he contemplated something. "It has been my lifelong dream to rouse the SleepinJohnnyFish, but he is simply inactive."

"Inactive…." I tore through my memories for the familiarity I felt was there. "Inactive. Like Obelisk."

"Like Obelisk. That shrine has been dead for as long as I can remember. Almost as long as the shrine guardian, Serprex. In fact, only–"

He was interrupted by a loud thunder that resonated across the land. And he wasn't able to continue, either, because suddenly the roof of the house was torn off and he was whisked away into a fiery vortex.

Lucky for me, I had been tied to the table. But the storm raged on. This must have been the legendary Firestorm, a precognitive, chaotic disaster leading up to the return of the legendary FirestormX. Or so Genji had told me.

I reached into my pocket for my RawrSpoon, used it to cut the cords that bound me. But before I'd let the Firestorm swallow me, I let out a hearty rawr into the spoon.

What followed that….

…Was lovely music.

A piano sonata in F minor, played by Stevenup7002. Or so Genji had told me.

That was enough to drive away the Firestorm, delaying the return of FirestormX a little longer.

I mourned the loss of Cyrus, but continued onward. I had to. I would avenge him. Both him and Genji.

That day didn't come for a long time.

I found myself living on this jungle island for years, battling hungry pounce4evurs and wild Ferrets. The most challenging enemy by far was a Snakeman the size of a horse. But I vanquished my foes with the help of a mechanical Eva-unit I had constructed from bits of garbage and abandoned games.

Until that day.

…The day when I stumbled upon the Waterfall God.

JakeX.

JakeX demanded tribute in the form of My Little Ponies, which he devoured ravenously once every century. And I was unfortunate enough to encounter him on his feeding day.

Naturally, living alone has made me very clever. I told him that there was this place just past Founton and the Lagging Lands where bronies made their home. He cocked his head at me, eyeing me with curiosity.

But that wasn't enough. He said he had been craving drugs all his life. And so I told him of one of my orca cousins named MMORPGguy. That seemed to satisfy JakeX just long enough for him to leave me alone.

And so another uneventful year passed, with me living off of little more than Mush and the occasional ChIkEn. But then one day the Red Army came to my side of the island. My lonely little getaway. They came from the reaches of Founton, sporting the support of Cheesemod. And with the general, Kabob799, came his cheese-loving lieutenants, gml_josea, Alert Games, and LAR.

I racked my brain for a solution, but there was nothing to do but run. So I did. I found my way to the drained Obelisk and was surrounded by the Red Army.

Even rawring into my trusty RawrSpoon was ineffective, as it only summoned a series of goats tagged with "ROB", which I didn't hesitate to punt. Fortunately for me, I was able to hit a few soldiers with the flying goats, but it wasn't enough.

As I turned to the Obelisk, I noted a small indentation in the rock. One that was oddly spoon-shaped. So with little choice, I placed the spoon into the rock.

It was fun.

But then the Obelisk swallowed the RawrSpoon, and the gem atop the stone tower glowed brightly and sent out thousands upon thousands of colorful bullets to rain Hel upon the Red Army.

And then I heard the sound.

"YOUR TURRET HAS DESTROYED A TEAM!"

And the battle was won.

But the war raged on.

I ran for weeks, hearing only whispers from the long lost games of the forests of 64Digits that haunted the area until their owner would revive them again. The saddest by far went by the name of PLatformed.

I crossed a hut that smelled very much of corpses. But it would have to do in order to escape from the ever-angry games.

Inside was a hobo, who sat with his back to the corner and drew in the dust of his floor with a long Reidd. He looked up at me with glistening eyes, and in a gruff voice, said,

"POTFROG, POTFROG! WHO'S GOT THE POTFROG!"

I blinked at him before turning around to leave. But I felt a hand on my shoulder and looked back to see that his limbs were made of rubber.

"Please stay a little longer and help an old man out." He coughed. "My name is Rez, and my Juju has long faded. See, I'm coming very close to death now and…. I just want to finish a game before I die."

"I don't think that's possible, old man," I said, shrugging off the elastic hand.

"You're right," Rez sighed. "The mind-altering code does much more than just bring its members back to the island. I imagine even you are a victim of That-Which-We-Cannot-Escape."

"You mean the mind-altering code? Me? No, it couldn't be…."

"It's true, son! Look at these old eyes and tell me I'm lying!"

The eyes were like mirrors. I could see my reflection, and then I saw the Firestorm raging inside them.

"You…." I backed away, bumping into the doorframe. And then Rez rose to his feet, which were actually prosthetic legs, and limped toward me, shaking his Reidd with a sly smile on his face.

"You can never escape…."

Those crooked teeth were grinning so dangerously.

"…The POTFROG!"

And then before I could run, I heard a sickening crunch, accompanied by,

"FLASHBACK SLICE!"

And I was sprayed with gore.

When I looked again, I only saw Rez covered in thousand of sliced tomatoes. The pile began to collapse, turning into pure, molten Juju as the old man finally passed on.

I wanted to run from the bubbling Juju, but instead I took an Acid-filled bottle that read "MEGA" on the side. I heard a long time ago that if you mix Juju with Acid, you get SpectreNectar. And so I tried out the experiment.

After hours of toiling, I finally had a bottle of the sweet-smelling liquid. I held it up over my head, heard a familiar trumpeting tune, and left the house with one thing in mind. SpectreNectar was the only way to defeat the Twisterghost. I didn't know how. I just knew.

And so I trudged on through the jungle. The wind started picking up again and the air grew hotter to the point where my hair was incinerated off of my arms, and the tips of the hairs on my head were getting singed, too. But I pressed ever onward, back to the Obelisk, the only safe haven when the trees melted.

The Twisterghost burned a deep red and shouted at me.

"I SEE YOU."

I held the bottle of SpectreNectar up toward it.

"YOU FOOL."

I took off the lid….

"YOU CANNOT DEFEAT ME WITH…THAT!"

Oh yes I could. Summoning the power of the Princess-Goddess Ronnica, I thrust the bottle of SpectreNectar into the gaping eye of the storm.

A shriek of rage followed, and I felt the earth trembling beneath my feet. And then the Twisterghost roared again.

"FOOL! HA HA! YOU CANNOT GRASP THE TRUE POWER OF MY ATTACK! FOR WITH THE POWER OF SPECTRENECTAR, I CAN NOW AWAKEN AS MY TRUE FORM, FIRESTORMX!"

Oh no, what have I done! How could I have ever known that such a tool could defeat one enemy and strengthen another!

FirestormX only taunted me as he approached relentlessly.

"YOUR BADGES SUCK!"

And then I heard a different voice. It came from the Obelisk. It told me to meditate, and so I let it.

And then in a big, roaring breath, it said,

"CAN DRIVE BOX!"

And suddenly I gave the greatest Rawr I thought was possible, and knocked FirestormX and all of his jackassery out of the sky.

That was when my life ended.

My old life, that is.

Now I live in Founton, drinking heartily as I watch Extravisual chase Seleney and ShinseiOnnen through the cubic world. Ah, things were calm. A fine close to an adventurous life.

But a wind roared in the distance.

"I'LL BE BACK!"