opinion time: relationships

Posted by NeutralReiddHotel on Nov. 9, 2014, 2:16 a.m.

this is beautifully put, and what i'm trying to learn. this piece of text answered me many questions i had, and some i didn't have. what i MOSTLY want to know is what you guys think about it. this is something i agree with 100%, and if you disagree, i would love to know why.

growing up, i was very optional to others. the "friends" i grew up with immediately replaced me with other friends when i was away. i wasn't one of those kids that would be missed if he was gone. i didn't go out a lot, and when i did, i didn't notice the other kids wanting to hang out with me too much. at around ages 8-11, i was already a filtered kid that was super neurotic about what the other kids thought of him. this worked against me more than anything else, because i would always think of what to do to please the other kids and of course this never worked. some of my "friends" called me retarded behind my back, stole things from me, never invited me to play games with them, never bothered to find me once i was the last one in the hide-and-seek game if i ever got to play (which i've played probably 3 times total my whole life).

i. was. an. option.

hitting necessity is exactly what got me to feel the strong bonds this guy is talking about. i'm as open as i can be with my roommate and if me and him were to stop being friends i WOULD feel like there was something missing from my life. same thing with an increasing number of co-workers… if i were to quit my job i'd be super sad about it because of the group of people i would stop seeing. co-workers that are actually happy to see me because i try to be open with them too.

Quote: rocketpans on reddit
**Most people don't know how to form functional relationships.**

When you are younger, you are more open because you haven't yet accumulated enough filters from adults and society. You are just starting to experience judgment from others ("That shirt is stupid", "That question was retarded.")

You have to tell children to shut up because they are *too loud*.

You have to tell adults to speak up because they are *too quiet.*

Boundaries are necessary to growth. But most people grow up with improper boundaries placed upon them; society is very good at telling you want NOT to do (don't smoke, don't get bad grades, etc), but it's horrible at telling you what *to do*.

For example, think of all the myriad ways society punishes you for poor dating habits. Loser, loner, virgin, too ugly, too fat, too dumb, creepy, bad hygiene, etc. There are too many ways to count. But when it comes to actively give you the right direction, telling you the right way to date, society is conspicuously silent. Or you get the bullshit/impractical ("be confident, be yourself") advice that never works. Most of the time you end up in the friendzone revealing just how shitty that advice really is.

As you grow you adopt the same mentality that society has grown up with.

**"DON'T do [insert bad action]…."**

"DO [insert generic impractical advice]"

As a result, most of your relationships are borne of convenience; you're located in the same place, you like the same sports, you have the same hobbies. And at a young age, you're open enough to share these things. You sit next to someone in class and you talk about your G.I. Joes or the TV shows you like with abandon. It's very easy to make friends because children are very up front with their expectations. They wear their happiness and displeasure on their faces and you can hear it in their voices very clearly. This makes managing relationships much easier.

But as you grow older and encounter more and more moral judgment, you close up more and more because you fear the rejection of others more and more. You become a neurotic people pleaser.

Also, people don't learn the difference between forming relationships around necessities vs. forming relationships around commonalities. This is why most relationships are dysfunctional in nature; jocks hang with jocks. Art fags hang with art fags. Hipsters hang with hipsters. Blacks hang with blacks. Rich people hang with rich people, and so on. Everybody is on the look out for common *cultural associations*. **Very few are ever taught to pay attention to their necessities.**

Necessities are the basis for functional relationships. They are the people you actually miss when they leave, instead of the people you just wish you were around so you could have a little more fun with smoking weed or playing basketball.

When you form relationships around commonalities, you create OPTIONS.

Optional people are different than essential people. Optional people are like your waiter; you think you need them because they are serving you food and it seems like they're important at the time. But in reality, you could replace them in an instant with any other common waiter standing around.

Essential relationships are formed around necessities.

These are satisfying relationships because they do more than just give you a good time. That actually meet your *needs.* Your mom and dad don't necessarily give you a fun time every day, but they *meet your needs.* Same with a spouse. Same with any person who you are very open with, who you discuss your necessities with and who can meet those necessities. These are the people that become essential to your life. These are the people that become your arm and your legs–when they are removed from your life, *it hurts.* This is the difference between a bond of convenience and a bond of necessity.

Everything we do in life, every activity, every decision, every action is related to fulfilling our needs. We don't smoke just for the hell of it, we don't parachute out of airplanes, we don't join the military, we don't play video games, we don't go to raves, we don't surf the internet, we don't post on reddit for fake internet points just because we can. All these things are attempts to fulfill our needs in some way. If we recognize this and get down to the core reasons behind our actions, we realize just how powerful necessity is in governing our lives.

The beauty of necessity is that everyone's needs are universal. Although there are different activities and different cultures around the world, they are all governed by the same attempt to meet the exact same necessities. If you understand this, it become much easier to aim at necessity when forming your relationships. It becomes much easier to form a relationship with anyone.

Commonalities are hit and miss. They give you a false sense of belonging. But they are options because you can switch out commonalities like changing hats. You can switch tennis for swimming. You can switch rich for poor. You can switch athlete for nerd. You can switch gang banger for girl scout. They are all equally optional designations and ultimately worthless distinctions.

Necessity on the other hand hits **EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.** You don't have to guess what necessities the other person has because you have the *exact same needs.* Everyone on earth has the exact same needs. Forming relationships around necessities is much harder to do because it requires you to learn how to open up again, but it's also much simpler once you become skilled at it.

Comments

MMOnologueguy 10 years, 1 month ago

Have you considered drinking?

Alert Games 10 years, 1 month ago

'Friendzone' exists, I just don't think it has to be permanent, but it can be better that way in some cases.

Anyway, I have to say I know where you are coming from Reiddsan. I don't have any close friends nowadays. I used to have real good friends back in grade school, but one went away into the Navy and hasn't come back unfortunately, and others are in other places.

I think there are just some places where you can relate to people more than others. But I don't think its worth any time 'trying to make something work', it either does or it doesn't and move on and do your own thing. In fact, building up yourself helps you to define your preferences better, and people like to listen to people who know what they are talking about, or just how entertaining you are, or both.

I did notice however, that people are entertained by an attitude of not caring to an extent. And women are even more strange with this, but I won't get into that right now. If you invest your time establishing your point of view, and not care (at least publicly) about things that don't really matter in the longrun, you're fine.

Cosine 10 years, 1 month ago

it is not necessarily friends that may corroborate the best time in your own life; the best time in your own life may be made of some sublime ethereal feelings; the best time in your own life may be glowingly corroborated by a proud certainty that you are diligently doing what you will love to do or are supposed to do

OBELISK 10 years, 1 month ago

fuck, man

let me start by telling you that you don't need anyone but yourself. Relying on other people is unhealthy

I recently split up with my partner of over three years. It hurts like a bitch, but somehow I'm still here to rant to you about this running joke we call 'relationships'

Having things in common with someone != necessarily being compatible. I find that having differences in lifestyle, music taste, sense of humor, BASIC NEEDS, and other "defining" things is more beneficial than not. You don't want to fall in love with yourself. It's like magnets–opposites attract. Having that little bit of common ground goes a long way, but you and this other person need to learn from each other and grow together. You'll never do that if you've both got it all figured out. A good relationship is like a good movie. Star Wars needs Darth Vader. Your relationship needs challenges.

Humans love video games, pinball tables, spicy foods, heavy metal, double-dog dares, drinking, pissing, and relationships for all the same reasons.

Truth is, everyone is out to get you. Fuck them. One day, someone will catch you off guard. Whether that's within the next five or ninety years, it doesn't matter. The important part is that you didn't force it.

People may perceive you as replaceable, but so are they. Excluding close family members and invaluable friends, every goddamn person you know can be replaced by someone better and less shitty

we at 64D are god's forsaken children. I can't believe you would come to us with an issue like this

wait….dabridge is that fucking you!?

im so wasted it's not even funny

Alert Games 10 years, 1 month ago

obelisk, you put it so eloquently. Its beautiful… and a lot of drunk talk, but still.

Kenon 10 years, 1 month ago

Guys, just gonna say from an economic standpoint, we do rely on others nonstop and it's actually part of the reason that society as a whole is so damn successful. Specialization makes us more productive.

From a social aspect, relationships with other people are essentially necessary for survival. Natural dependence on others is practically hard wired into us. We're social naturally.

When people say shit like "relying on other people is unhealthy" and "I don't need friends" and stuff, it makes me wonder. Have you ever lived where you don't? I'd literally be dead right now via suicide if I did not have people in my life that I could rely on in a pinch to be there for me, and trust me when I say the hell of having no friends or isolating yourself from relationships is hell. I don't think I've ever truly been friendless, but I have gone times where I haven't spoken in like 2 weeks to anyone practically.

Anyways, back to necessities. If you want to form relationships that last around necessities, HOLY SHIT THAT'S SO DAMN GOOD FOR WORKING.

Just want to point that out. Networking among people who you can fulfill their needs for is practically how I am employed at what I do now. And the best part is I am terrible at my job and they totally can't tell.

Kenon 10 years, 1 month ago

Also, the pleasure of loving a woman is totally analogous to that of eating an orange.

Cosine 10 years, 1 month ago

so the last thing i posted was actually just something i copypasted from yahoo answers because i thought it was funny

anyways, my opinion on relationships: if you reason that putting an investment into a relationship is a bad idea because the relationship could be torn apart, keep in mind that that is true of everything in life (and inevitably, ALL things will be disintegrated by time). it's a risk/reward thing: put more time and effort and emotional stability into something, and you'll get more happiness out of it, but you'll also lose everything you put in when the unexpected happens. everything is a risk, and there's no surefire way of making sure that you'll be happy.

all good things must end, but the important bit is that it was a good thing. invest your brief time on this earth wisely.

Alert Games 10 years, 1 month ago

I think dependence is a strong word here, a better way to put it is a desire to be around people who you can relate with. And thus 64digits was born to bring all of the social democratic, social anarchists, activists, and social liberals along with a couple outliers that all share some form of interest in game development together as a community to share discuss and relate games and lives together in harmony and ban those who we dont like.

Kenon 10 years, 1 month ago

Yeah, I'll admit, redundancy is really important in relationships. That's why I have 3 girlfriends!

In all seriousness though yeah, I just personally think that relationships are important, having people there for when you're in need or just to chill with, and shit like this is important.

Completely depending on one person emotionally is a total trainwreck just waiting to happen though. Even if that person is yourself.