64Digits

i feel like i became a man of few words

Posted by NeutralReiddHotel on Oct. 25, 2015, 9:42 p.m.

I feel that once i figured out what made me truly happy, i started to revert back to my ways of being unhappy out of comfort. like i don't deserve to be happy therefore me working towards being happy is a useless and time wasting concept. i'm supposed to have a miserable and timewasting life due to the way i got brought up and the things i've heard over the course of my life. the main things i think about on a daily basis are things i will never want to get because i am not who deserves them

… being happily in love with a girl

… being able to speak my mind everywhere i go

… having great relationships because everybody loves me

… having everyone laugh at my lame jokes or my sick jokes

… having people want to open up to me

… having people praise me for the daily work i do

… everything. everything. everything.

i am a jealous guy. when i see around, i want everything everyone else has. like that happy relationship, or that cool android tablet, or sick basketball skills, or a really yummy piece of chocolate ice cream.

i don't like that i have this "outlet" on 64digits to write about anything i want and have no one inspect it. no one these days has the guts to truly analyze what i say, but instead want to flood me with their good intentions and "knowledge" and greeting card-sayings that make me want to kill myself. no one has the guts to say

… why do you feel like that?

everyone i know is such a coward, so much that they're not willing to admit they feel and think the same way. or even worse, have the guts to lie to me about it

Comments

Moikle 9 years, 1 month ago

I used to be very unhappy, until I noticed that most of it was self perpetuating, as I kept focussing on how bad I felt, and how that made me feel worse.

I mean this in the nicest of ways, but try not to be too melodramatic about these things. The key to not feeling bad all the time is not telling yourself that you feel bad all the time. I am well aware of how close this is to those times when people will tell you to just "get over depression". but honestly, this IS something you can control.

As someone who used to be that way, and had strongly considered that I had depression, I cannot recommend it enough. My life hugely improved since I decided not to focus on sadness, to a point now where I don't think I have had a single "bad day" in months

Phoebii 9 years, 1 month ago

You are right, Moikle.

I too was depressed like year or so ago, but then I said to myself that it's not real and depression is optional thing, I don't have to be depressed.

Now I'm more or less enjoying every second of my life.

It's just lame how much of these wonderful seconds were wasted while I was lying in my bed repeating words like "useless" and "waste of time" to myself for hours.

Moikle 9 years, 1 month ago

Also, to be clear, I am not saying that actual depressive disorders are not a thing, I am saying that it is incredibly easy to trick yourself into thinking you have one.

NeutralReiddHotel 9 years, 1 month ago

Quote:

I don't understand why people desire this. Having a single life where you only have to depend on, and worry about yourself is far nicer and more secure. I'm in a relationship at the moment, but I fought as hard as I could against the feelings before I succumbed to them. I don't see it as a good thing to have another human being become a major variable in my life, and it's a huge sacrifice to make when you're willing to let them in out of love.

you're like one of my friends. he's never truly cared about someone else. he likes to think he does, but he never does. i KNOW i have. he hasn't, but he sure loves to lecture me on how he doesn't understand why i do things like think about someone, worry about someone, check on someone and how i should just be looking out for myself. the only reason i think you and him are similar is cause he says the same shit: "i don't understand why you need someone else, don't you know that's weak lol"

that's the thing: you don't understand. you haven't been there. there's a night-and-day difference with the two kinds of people in this world: those who have cared, or "loved" someone, and those who haven't. and the only difference is knowing what it's like.

Quote:

I used to be very unhappy, until I noticed that most of it was self perpetuating, as I kept focussing on how bad I felt, and how that made me feel worse.

tl;dr, get over it. right? that's what a lot of people tell me.

i dont' know why people can't relate to me when i feel sad. you know, there's like, 24 hours in a day. i'm not always sad. i laugh, i smile, i feel happy, accomplished, satisfied, curious, nervous, anxious, dramatic, quirky… why is it that being sad is demonized? it's all around me. why is everyone so in denial of feeling sad?

if i'm nervous, it's because there's someone i want to impress because i like them.

if i'm happy, it's because i got something i wanted, like a new tablet or a free lunch

if i laugh, it's because i saw something funny

if i'm sad… it's just an emotion and i need to get over it?

why… why why why. why is it that new-age forums like this demonize being sad? what are you guys so scared of?

shouldn't i be understanding why i'm sad to fix the problem? if i know what makes me happy… i should know what makes me sad. why demonize it, pretend it doesn't exist, and try to live my life like that? i've TRIED that shit, it doesn't work. i'm the AFTER image of wanting to pretend that this emotion is something i can get over. guess what happened.

nothing.

NeutralReiddHotel 9 years, 1 month ago

also, since Acid wanted to be a tough guy and send me this message in private, hoping he can get away with hiding his non "nice guy" side, I'm going to post it here:

you know, i just got this PM from Acid:

Quote:

Original message from Acid:

—————-

> I used to be super nice and attempted to be helpful, but I've given up on that and it's because of shit like this.

> Keep your words out of my mouth and take responsibility for your own happiness or lacktherof. If you're a "man", be one.

> You don't want to kill yourself, you want attention and fuck up your life to make problems when you don't have any to complain about. You've done this a ton of times. I "talked you out of it" and was super nice for like 6 years dude. Every nice thing I've ever said was earnest, heartfelt, and with the best of intentions.

> Stop being a fucking emotional leech and do something creative or productive.

> Feel free to go on a tirade about how terrible I am or how horrible this place is now, but you know what you're doing, regardless of whether you deny it or not. I used to care, man, but this kind of 13 year old emo bullshit shows my empathy was misplaced.

> Instead of bitching on a website, stop being a fucking coward and fix yourself. I won't be reading any replies. Quit fucking up your life and forcing yourself to have issues and see a fucking doctor, for your sake.

nowhere in my post does it say i want to kill myself. but he assumed i'm depressed and all depressed people are suicidal. why? because being sad is a bad thing.

NeutralReiddHotel 9 years, 1 month ago

i wrote you a response acid, but i don't think you can take it. i have the feeling i'll be called "lolumad" and not be taken seriously. and from my track record, i don't want to get banned. i don't want to "flame" or post "inappropriate comments." if i didn't have my hands tied i would respond to you with what i really think about your message.

twisterghost 9 years, 1 month ago

I can't say I've ever been depressed, and I can't say I understand it, but I read a couple of really well made posts about depression the other day and think it might be worth sharing. I don't think it'll help, but it may help give perspective.

Adventures in Depression Part 1

Adventures in Depression Part 2

After reading these posts, I'm not gonna sit here and say "just get over it," but I will say there's nothing wrong with being adverse to total sadness, its just a natural reaction. And if you're currently feeling nothing but it, then best of luck to you, and I hope things change soon (unless, of course, this is how you prefer to live, in which case, keep on keepin on)

NeutralReiddHotel 9 years, 1 month ago

i'll read them when i get the chance, unless they don't keep my interest, and in that cause i'm not gonna lie i probably won't read them. but i love your avatar and i love seeing it. and no i don't want to feel nothing forever. i'm just on a stump right now

where's the ascii smilie with the shoulder shrugging when u need it?

NeutralReiddHotel 9 years, 1 month ago

oh, i never did believe that. however, the way you speak, and the way my friend speaks, being above having to be with someone else, makes you guys seem like 1. you have gone through the pain of love, but lie and say it's not a big deal or 2. you never have. but i'm super glad you opened up because this is the steven i haven't read about, and the steven i wanted to know. fuck man that's deep shit, and i can partly relate. i DO believe you, and i'm sorry that's how shit turned out for you.

would you believe that this cynic hasn't given up? sounds like you have, which is truly heartbreaking. why not just tell the girl? why be the nice guy that finishes last? you're only making things shitty for yourself by hiding these things.

twisterghost 9 years, 1 month ago

w/e life is spectacular