Feedback

Posted by Purrfektionist on April 23, 2006, 2:08 a.m.

Below is a random poem I thought I'd post to get feedback on. Honest and harsh criticism is welcome. I might use it for an end-of-year-project. And oh yeah, its kind of graphic, so just warning all you 14-something year-olds who may need to hold someone's hand while reading it. =)

War:

I turn men to mice

Infect you with disease; your hair full of lice

I’ve been here since the beginning

And I’ll be here till the end

Broken nations, broken cities, broken hearts peace can’t mend

So I’ll extend my hand and lend

You a tank, a gun, a bomb to use against each other

Many a times I’ve caused men to spill their blood brothers

Gash them over the head

Puncture their body’s leave ‘em dead

Arise to accept a million pains, many more tears to shed

I’ve never laid a finger on anyone, but I’ve painted the sky red

A magazine to load, grudges to hold

To me your soul is sold

And once again you arise on the front lines bold

Some say I’m necessary, can’t be ignored

Fools runnin’ by the thousands in hoards

Why do they not fear their lord?

The best feelings are expressed through anger and sadness

That is why the human cannot stop this madness

Indeed you already know me

Some refer to me as War

I produced countless bodies on Normandy’s shore

Left whole cities devastated; a celebration of gore

Bullets, knives, explosions, weapons galore

I’m yours to explore

All you must do is lose your reason and mind

One day sooner or later I’ll cleanse the earth of human kind

Comments

abacus 18 years, 2 months ago

Emo

smarttart62 18 years, 2 months ago

MEAN POST!

Cesar 18 years, 2 months ago

wow, that's extremely good

Tokyoma 18 years, 2 months ago

Not bad, I write a bit of poetry myself. Nothing I have the guts to post at the moment, but you have a bit of talent. It's a little raw and undeveloped though. You need to focus on fine tuning your own style and flow. It's definitely not bad though. Keep it up. If you have more I'd love to read.

mesenberg 18 years, 2 months ago

Another MEAN POST

Az 18 years, 2 months ago

I love that poem. I don't know why, but I love it. It's true, we are killing ourselves.

Rez 18 years, 2 months ago

[meanpost][/meanpost]

Requiem 18 years, 2 months ago

Quote:
its kind of graphic
Somehow, I find using the word graphic to describe a piece of text deeply ironic. Ah well, it's a very nice piece of text.

Amarin 18 years, 1 month ago

I love this. You're better than Edgar Allen Poe, Robert Frost, Walt Whitman and all those poets considered to be "famous".

Purrfektionist 18 years, 1 month ago

haha…no, not even close. but thanks anyway. XD