Timeless

Posted by death on Sept. 21, 2012, 5:52 a.m. 🔒

This was a short and quick concept for a video game. bad reception has caused me to pull it from the Recent Activity panel. it has been labeled unreadable so there is no reason to continue reading pass this point.

one day, an average man wakes up in his apartment at 7:15 am. he gets ready for work, just as he does any other day. he eats breakfast, puts on his tie and reads the newspaper. or at least he attempted to. there was no paper waiting at his door this morning. this made the man curious. he goes down to the lobby to see if there was a copy laying about. when he gets there, the room is completely vacant. "well that's odd" thought the man. he ignores it and goes to the parking lot. he notices the parking lot is completely full. almost as if not a single person has left the building today. "is there a holiday i don't know about?" questioned the man. still he decided to shrug off his doubts and get into his car. before he starts the car, he checks his cell phone. "7:15am" it reads. "well… that can't be right." he thought. the man discarded any suspicions he had about the device and put the key into the keyhole. he twists the key and expects a loud churning sound. instead he gets nothing. nothing at all. not even a strutering sound. not even a clanky sound. no sound at all…

this is where the man finally stops and realizes something is wrong… something is terribly wrong. he instantly gets the feeling that he has a much larger problem than his car not starting. there had been a strange mood creeping up on him all morning and he has ignored it until now. he flips open his phone and decides to call his boss. he presses the number keys but the numbers do not appear. he almost expected this to happen. he throws the phone down and gets out of the car. standing in the parking lot with no one else around. the subway, he thought. "i'll take the subway". he was almost sure it would be a useless decision but he walked forward anyway. now in the lobby again, he takes another look around. still no one. so he heads for the front door. as he takes a step out onto the street, his eyes get greeted with the normal sight of parked cars and tall buildings. however his ears are confused. he hears nothing. nothing at all. not a single bird is chirping, not a single car is running. no voices and no noises.

the man finally begins to lose his cool. his curiousity has turned to fear. he questions whether or not he's even on earth anymore. he starts to run down the street, looking every which way for a sign of human life or any activity at all. he turns the corner and almost slams into somebody. "whoa!" the man screams. "oh god. i'm so sorry. i didn't see you there." the man instinctively appologizes. he's still huffing at this moment, his hands on his knees and his face toward the ground. he continues breathing, waiting for a response. a breif peroid of time has passed, maybe only a dozen seconds. even still, this is too long the man thought. he looks up and stares at the person in front of him. this woman's face is stiff. her body firm and balanced. "look i didn't mean any trouble" said the man. he got a bad feeling from the strict stance the woman in from of him had. but then, he stops moving. he stands still and stares into her eyes. something was odd about her. she didn't blink. she didn't move an inch. she looked… like a manequin. a wax figure perhaps. yet it seemed perfect in every way. mimicing a human's look with great detail. he got real close to her face, close enough that he would feel her breath, but he did not. he falls back frightened by the lifeless figure in front of him. he's on the floor looking up at her and she is still in the same exact position. "it's not alive!" screamed the man. he freaks out, crawling backwards quickly around the corner and waits for a few seconds. he slowly turns his head around and looks at the woman's position, still frozen in time.

his heart is facing, his hands are sweating. so unsure of what to do. he gets up and walks over more calmly this time. rational thought returning, he studies the woman-like doll. his mind coming to the conclusion that it must be some prank. he pokes the woman's face. it's solid. much harder then flesh. "ah ha! I knew it!" he yells out in joy. he feels almost victorious about his prediction. he laughes like a maniac and than skips down the street. this breif moment of joy made him completely forget the lack of events since he woke. He walks into a convenience store that he often visits before work. he walks around the aisles like he usually would and grabs a can of soda. walks to the front desk and waits. behind the counter is an open door. the cashier must be in the back he thought. he rings the service bell that's laid out on the counter for situations like this. he scratches his head and waits some more. he gets impatient and rings it again more violently. still no answer. he screams into the back "hey is anybody gonna check me out?" He digs into his pockets and grabs out some change than slams it on the table. he walks towards the exit and calls out "i left the money on the counter" and than walks out casually.

what a strange day he thought. nothings seemed right. he continues down the street and snaps open his can. looking around as he sips, he still seems surprised that no one is around on a Tuesday in a usually-crowded city. he walks down the stairs leading to the subway. continues down a hallway and turns. turnstiles block his path. he softly walks into it and hits it stiff. it doesn't turn. a little frustrating but he gets over it. he hopes over it and walks forward. he's now at the train, looks to the left and see's an open door. he rushes thinking it'll close soon. he runs into the doorway and into the train. his first impression of the inside was normal, people standing, people sitting, at a glance nothing is unusual. he sits down and wipes his face with his hands. feeling comfortable in a normal enviornment he relaxes a bit. puts his back into the seat and closes his eyes. he thinks back to the doll-woman he saw earlier and chuckles at his reaction. while doing so he starts to feel uneasy. once again there is no sound filling up this crowded train. not even a cough or two. no pre-recorded voices over a speaker telling passengers to stand clear of the doorway. he opens his eyes and looks around. he see's people, very still people. he stares at them for a good 30 seconds before blinking. "what.. the.. hell?" he see's the two girls' sitting across from him, their faces in a humorous expression, unmoving and unchanging. just as solid as a doll's face. he begins to panic. his comfort vanishes instantly. he jumps up and starts to yell almost nonsense. "what is wrong with it?" not making much sense he gets close to a man next to him and screams "are you listening?" in his face. not a single motion appears. he turns and than targets an older woman standing, he walks up to hear and lifts out his arms to push her but his arms have no effect, the woman is stiff as a rock and the man walks right into her. he collapses as it feels like he hit a brick wall. he looks around him, and he doesn't know what to make of it all… but than he notices the digital clock above the doorway. the digits read "7:15 am"… and than he realizes, these aren't dolls. it all finally connects, the newspaper, the car, his phone, it all points to the same conclusion. time has stopped moving. everything is frozen in time… expect for the man. he is the only living being on the planet. the only thing that breathes and the only thing that moves… he is alone.

author's notes: i usually don't feel comfortable sharing my writing as i always get harsh criticism on my writing ability, usually relating in my terrible grammar. i suppose this is why i don't spend much time writing, maybe if i had better encouragement or motivation i would practice more and get better. maybe even get interested in it… anyway i've been doing a lot of writing recently for game ideas. This being a favorite of mine, i decided to post it. i have a whole bunch more but this one was the most interesting to me. took me about 15 minutes to write. the story for my S4D competition is much longer than this. This particular story may or may not become a game though. The story also continues, this is only the introduction :)

So tell me what you think. is it worth continuing or should i just dump it into the void? (aka folder with hundreds of forgotten projects)

Comments

Castypher 12 years, 2 months ago

A word in all lowercase is pronounced the same as the same word in proper case. What makes this unreadable to me is simply paragraph splitting, or lack thereof. Punctuation as well. I don't know if it's just me who isn't bothered by lack of case, but I've seen much worse things and you guys saying capitalization is so bad just amuses me. Saying that lack of capitalization makes the writer arrogant and insincere is also one of the strangest things I've ever heard. I don't understand your logic.

After all, you guys don't get after Rez when he chooses not to capitalize. Big fucking deal. You're just being nitpicky.

I'm not denying that lack of capitalization makes things unreadable. I just think that was the easiest thing to point out and so everyone did. Well if it bothers you so much, don't bother commenting. Obviously your words aren't going to make a difference to death since he's been told this many times.

huhuhu now I'm the one with the writer's ego

This is a stupid, pointless argument that I don't feel like continuing.

firestormx 12 years, 2 months ago

THE BIGGEST PROBLEM FOR ME WAS THE SINGLE LINE SPACING OF PARAGRAPHS. I DON'T CARE IF IT'S ONLY WRITTEN IN ONE CASE.

At LeAsT iT's NoT aLtErNaTiNg CaSe.

I didn't want to join in on the pointless comments, and I didn't want to comment since I didn't actually read it, but I feel there's too much attention on the caps, and not enough on the spacing.

Castypher 12 years, 2 months ago

ChIkEn CaSe.

tower07 12 years, 2 months ago

I like the story!

I've always wondered what it might be like if time stopped.

(And why am I almost the only one who actually commented on the story?)

Toast 12 years, 2 months ago

Quote:
A word in all lowercase is pronounced the same as the same word in proper case. What makes this unreadable to me is simply paragraph splitting, or lack thereof.
Well as you don't pronounce paragraphs either, that combination of statements is slightly disoriented. As far as I'm concerned, full stops and capital letters are married in such a way that the absence of one is as bad as the other. If you accept that concept then capital letters at the start of sentences are indeed pronounced.

Quote:
Saying that lack of capitalization makes the writer arrogant and insincere is also one of the strangest things I've ever heard. I don't understand your logic.
It's arrogant to presume to write outside of the boundaries of Standard English as if it doesn't matter. If it isn't arrogance then it's insincerity, because he obviously didn't put any effort into presenting it and doesn't want it to be read or taken seriously.

Quote:
After all, you guys don't get after Rez when he chooses not to capitalize.
It's generally acceptable to do it in comments. Death often does, and I've never got after him for it. Point out a short story or comparable length of prose that Rez wrote without capitalization and then you might have a point.

mr8bit 12 years, 2 months ago

I don't think it's being nit-picky to suggest capital letters. It's one of the most glaring issues and also one of the easiest to fix. If that makes me a Grammar Nazi, then I think we have set the bar on literary fascism incredibly low.

More constructively (I guess) you jump around from tense to tense an awful lot. I know, I know… this is a grammar critique, but it makes the story incredibly confusing.

Also, I think the way the character acts is highly erratic and doesn't really feel authentic. Like one minute, he is completely horrified and confused by the situation he finds himself in. The next, he is skipping with glee down the street because of something that would cause a normal person even more distress. His sense of fear and foreboding should only build- not come in waves. If I just encountered a weird "manequin" that I couldn't explain, I wouldn't just shrug it off and go to 7-11.

Overall, good concept. The execution leaves something to be desired, though.

firestormx 12 years, 2 months ago

The story is about stopping time? Reminds me of something I have a screenshot of from 4chan, but it's in amongst thousands of other pictures.

I googled it, and found it instead. If you had a machine that could stop time, what would /b/ do?

JuurianChi 12 years, 2 months ago

This story was kinda boring for me, maybe if you develop it further you can come up with elements and themes that make it more interesting.

death 12 years, 2 months ago

Hmm got the response i expected. i'll probably delete this blog than. You see i put the note at the bottom to just to say "hey, I know my grammar is messed up but this is a concept for a game, not an actual story I plan to publish"

If you can't read it than okay. Don't post than. Thank you to the people who did read it. All I was looking for was feedback on the concept… for a video game. And to those who wonder how this would work in a game? Well basically it would be some what of a First Person adventure game and instead of there being any dialogue, you would simply experience everything as the man does. Of course there would be a bit more freedom but the general path would be the same.

And that isn't the end of it. It's more of the introduction. However i see that leaving it in writing form isn't for the best. To continue this story I'll have to move onto the actual game.

Castypher 12 years, 2 months ago

Quote:
and doesn't want it to be read or taken seriously.
This looks like a brain dump, and I don't think brain dumps are usually designed to be taken seriously.

But enough of this. It's going absolutely nowhere.

Quote:
"hey, I know my grammar is messed up but this is a concept for a game, not an actual story I plan to publish"
And there you have it.

And thanks death, you've made me consider posting some shorts up here. I'm doing one for a class anyway, and I've been meaning to put up more stuff that nobody's going to read.

*cough*

FSX.