For some odd reason, I ventured back into the GMC forums. It felt odd, just as if I were visiting a physical place that I hadn't been to in years, where everything seemed new to me. As of last summer, I used to know a lot of the active members, what they said and what they thought. Now I'm seeing a huge congregation of people I hadn't seen before, just new people all over the place. New in the good way, not in the "lolz im a nublet!" way. I went into the community forum, and saw the usual topics about the state of the forums and what happened with Mark and YoYoGames. I hadn't been around for such a thing. I used to look into the website and forums for daily announcements about the creating of GM7, what it would have, and what it would not have. I slithered out of GM in a form of a boundless transition. There was no day when I woke up and said "I don't think I'll use GM anymore". There was simply a time when I started to use it less and less, and now I'm beginning to reflect on this.

I went into the creations forum and as expected saw things that never existed before. A ton of games that are now a lot more advanced that anything I could think of, and even though what I'm think is probably elitist, I think people are getting ahead of me. I used to make prototypes of games I knew would never see the light of day, with amazing graphics and things I thought others could never do. I used to go into the topics of the creations forum and see these 3-minute or 3 week projects that I knew I could easily surpass. I used to think i was above average for some reason, and even though I was being extremely arrogant, I just simply couldn't stop thinking that.

Now however, I'm seeing something entirely different. I'm seeing topics like a particle creator that I couldn't ever think of doing. Highly original games that I couldn't ever concoct and games that get well-deserved attention.

I'm falling behind.

I'm thinking, "gee, I gotta pick this up again". It's my only true hobby that I can safely say I have without feeling I'm wasting my time. GM game creation is truly something that helps people in such a large way. It teaches people to be self-controlled, work and take on huge projects that others would do only if there was someone else in their supervision. It teaches people to use logic and promotes problem solving much like real-life engineers have to do, things they have to do themselves and deal with themselves. GM creation is a hobby that I'm truly proud of.

But I haven't even touched it in nearly 6 months. I'm ridiculously swamped with work every day that when I get some freetime I can't even think of WORKING on something else. I need some time for mindless entertainment, and development of GM games is anything but mindless. I stopped working on GM altogether, and I'm so out of touch with my GM world (GMC, creation of games, 64D) that I'm not sure I even belong here anymore.

I knew several years ago that GM game creation would be a hobby I can always have. I would see topics that say "when do you plan to move onto something else?" and I would always reply "never" simply because I honestly thought I would never grow out of it. I loved it and spent countless hours over the years concocting games that I loved to program. I pictured myself in college, past college and into real life and I would continue indie game development.

But today I took a look back into what I have right now and I figured I don't have much left. I opened up GM7 for the first time today (I downloaded it and never bothered with it) and I only realized how far behind I am. I can't remember my projects, where I left off. I would need days on end to get back on track, but I know now that I can't do it. I have simply not enough time due to many other things going on. These are real signs that I'm growing out of GM.

I don't want to grow out of GM. Ever. I want to make sure that it's the one thing that I've stuck to for years on end and I don't ever want to stop. But it's hard to keep on going with it if I can't even figure out where I am, how far behind I am and how other people in the same communities have been advancing so much I can't even figure out what's going on. I don't want to lose the hobby, but I feel that it's simply too much the cost to keep it alive. I simply have no idea what to do.

I must figure out some way to keep this hobby alive, but I simply can't. All my work and all my worries in my life keep me drained from working on yet something else, that is GM games. I don't even know if I can ever "catch up". But yet I can't drop the hobby altogether, because it's the one thing that I'm truly proud of. To make huge projects and to be in so much control that wows all the other people who aren't involved in GM or have an idea about indie game development. I can't let it go, but I simply can't figure out a way to keep it alive.