Been a bit high in the sky, falling from my broken heart as it endured a thousand toothpicks of stone, drifting toward the Sun of light and joy, abandoning the Earth and all reason to dwell in stupidity and optimism but not opium. So sayeth I, loser of F-Zero.

EAT MY LONG USELESS SKIT.

ACT 1

The Sino-Burmese War has claimed the lives of a hundred thousand men. Their souls linger and paranormal abnormalities are a regular occurrence on the battlefield. Blood, steel, sorrow.

Bright ball of flame that thro the gloom of even

Silently takest thine etherial way

And with surpassing glory dimmst each ray

Twinkling amid the dark blue Depths of Heaven

Unlike the Fire thou bearest, soon shall thou

Fade like a meteor in surrounding gloom

Whilst that unquencheable is doomed to glow

A watch light by the patriots lonely tomb

A ray of courage to the opprest & poor,

A spark tho' gleaming on the hovel's hearth

Which thro the tyrants gilded domes shall roar

A beacon in the darkness of the Earth

A Sun which oer the renovated scene

Shall dart like Truth where Falshood yet has been

KAI

I have delivered the pizza and slept with your daughter. I now demand my attendance to the coronation ceremony possible. I wish not stand in the cold rain while the new emperor is crowned by Heaven.

GARIBALDI

Say, you slept with my daughter?

KAI

Oh, I let that slip out.

GARIBALDI

Did you now?

KAI

I like to lie.

GARIBALDI

Oh really?

KAI

You scare me. I think it’s your small eyes.

GARIBALDI

Ohhh. So, they scare you, do they?

KAI

I just answered that.

GARIBALDI

I seee. I seeeee.

KAI

OH SHIVA. YOU GOT FANGS.

GARIBALDI

NOW YOU UNDERSTAND MAI TU POWAH.

KAI

I HAVE A KNIFE. A VERY SHINY SHARP SILVER KNIFE, I MUST ADD.

GARIBALDI

I HAVE MURDEROUS VIRGINS. VERY HUNGRY CANNIBAL MURDEROUS VIRGINS, I MUST ADD.

KAI

THAT’S HOT.

GARIBALDI

I KNOW.

Enter KAWAKAMI.

KAWAKAMI

Run for your life, Kai Song Li Song Li Lee! He’s… a vampire!

KAI

This is a… PLOT TWIST.

GARIBALDI

What plot?

KAI

I have a modest plot which I grow exotic plants for my pleasure and many other intellectuals.

KAWAKAMI

I do also.

GARIBALDI

Now, I must kill you all. I will shoot my fireballs at you and you will be hurt deeply for I will send it up your bottom.

Enter LINGLING.

LINGLING

You mustn’t, father. He is… my lover, and if you commit this dastardly murder, I shall kick you in the balls.

KAI

I’m not your lover.

LINGLING

Yes you are.

KAI

Ok.

Enter SOLDIER.

SOLDIER

IT’S A TRAP! That’s not Lingling!

SOLDIER attacks LINGLING for 100 damage. LINGLING’s second form is revealed: CHENG WU!

CHENG WU

Oh dear! My true form has been revealed!

GARIBALDI

You dare betray me, Cheng Wu? I am a level 99 Vampire.

KAI

Garibaldi’s STR is 999!

KAWAKAMI

Does he have the DEF to back it up?

KAI

Yes! 999 DEF! However, I equipped the Light Ring. He is a creature of the night and thus, maximum damage shall be inflicted on his soul!

GARIBALDI

I like to sunbathe. I have grown invulnerable to Light damage.

KAI

But are you immune to what’s under my pants?

GARIBALDI

Yes. Quite immune.

CHENG WU

I am not immune to it though.

KAI

Shut up.

CHENG WU

You make me cry.

SOLDIER

We must kill these three men!

GARIBALDI

Attack!

KAI

Wait! Did I even have sexual relations with Lingling or was Cheng Wu dressed as Lingling?

CHENG WU

Yes, you so hammered her.

KAI

Ok. I can die in peace then.

KAWAKAMI

You cannot die yet! We have dreams of conquering Korea!

KAI

Korean women are hot.

KAWAKAMI

Yes! We cannot give up now! Let us use the neutron bomb in our inventory!

GARIBALDI and SOLDIER are hit for 99999999999999999 damage.

GARIBALDI

THIS CANNOT BE! Neutron bombs do not exist yet!

KAI

We opened a hole through the quantum matrix super fabric hole and procured one from a man named… HAMMER.

GARIBALDI

This Hammer, I shall exact my revenge upon when I am resurrected in 2035.

KAI

So long, goddamned bathead!

GARIBALDI

WRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!

SOLDIER

OH LAWD.

Exit GARIBALDI and SOLDIER. Enter Lingling.

LINGLING

****. You killed my father.

KAI

HE WAS SECRETLY A PASTY WHITE from the Dutch East Indies.

LINGLING

Still, you blew him up. He’s all over the room now.

KAI

We’ll clean it up.

LINGLING

Ok. Fare thee well, then, Kai Song Li- um, I forgot the rest of your name.

KAI

No need to apologize and do not leave so soon.

LINGLING

I didn’t apologize. I don’t care.

KAI

Oh. You hurt me.

CHENG WU

That is why, I should be the true Lingling and not this crude damsel!

CHENG WU takes out very shiny knife.

KAI

Dare not commit such a crime, Wu!

CHENG WU

She leaves me with no choice! I- HEART ATTACK!

CHENG WU is hit for 1000 damage.

CHENG WU

Is this the end of CHEEEENG WUUUUUUUU? Yes, it is.! Ack! Argh! Ow! Oof!

KAI

Poof. Thou art a soul now residing in the deepest of Hell, wretch. Lingling, we must go to Korea and meet gorgeous ladies and dispose of the man in charge, Kim Kap Hwan!

LINGLING

What about Kawakami?

KAWAKAMI

I have business in Japan. I must make ramen and throw it at poor people. Adieu.

Exit KAWAKAMI.

KAI

Let us go, my lady. We will go by balloon.

The Qiaos are so much hotter than Lingling.